i'm repeating my same mistakes

it's hard dealing with death
and the acceptance of it

so i choose not to deal with it
and not to accept it

it's crazy, i know
but i lie to myself.

no one understands what i'm going through
yeah, i understand you lost your grandma too

i know that all grandparents die
and that they're just old and it's going to happen

but i didn't just loose my grandma
i lost one of my greatest friends

i told her so much
we shared so many great memories

she made me happy
& happiness is sometimes very hard for me to find

but it came naturally with her
i couldn't help but to smile when i was with her

but i regret so much.

i regret not visiting more
not being there when she fell
not being there when she was in the hospital
not visiting her everyday in the nursing home
not accepting that she was dying
not going to be with her while she passed
ignoring everything while it was happening

i regret it so much.
i regret not accepting that i was never going to see her again

so i bury it

deep within my soul

& i don't accept that she's gone
because i just can't

i'm repeating my same mistakes

& it's nights like these
when i lie awake, staring at my ceiling
hating myself

I'm pathetic.

Simple Words

'I want you to know that no matter what you do I will never be disappointed in you."

././././.

Before you began to judge me,
Did you wonder
Why?

What drove me to the point
Of doing the things I did?

No.
You didn't.

You just thought about
You.

& How right you were about me
How I am stupid or pathetic for making the decisions that I did.

Now here I sit
Regretting all that I did

Hating myself
Wanting to find something to quiet the noise of my past.

But that doesn't matter to you
Because I'm pathetic for experimenting.

For wanting things to fill my hollow self
To find a way to let go.

You don't care
You just assume I'm like everyone else.

But if that's true,
Then the whole population is empty

& begging God for answers.

I'm really tired

I'm tired of school.
I procrastinate like it's my job and I just don't care. I don't care if I fail class, I don't care if I never go back, I just don't care.
Maybe I'd care if someone else did.
But no one does, so why should I?

I'm tired of being bored.
There is nothing to do. It's too cold outside to run or ride bike. There is nothing to do outside and it's killing me. I miss summer and I miss hanging out all the time with fun people.

I'm tired of wondering if you're my friends.
Do you really care for us or are we just a show for you? You never call or text wanting to hang out. Is it because you dislike us or is it because you're too old for us now? Is it because it's winter and there is nothing to do or is it because we're just a summer get away? Are you wanting to hang out but are too busy with school or do you not wanna hang out because we no longer share the same interests?
These questions drive me insane.

I'm tired of hating myself.
It's not my looks anymore, it's just who I am. I'm trying to change and become a person who doesn't care what people think and just can have fun, but it's so hard. I've been an outcast before and I never wanna go there again. I've began to be consumed with who everyone wants me to be instead of who I really am. I need to let go and love myself, but it's just easier than it sounds.

I'm tired of saying I'm tired when I'm just really unhappy.

I miss my grandma.
Not a day goes by where I don't hurt thinking about her.
I miss being with you guys.
I want us to be friends, but do you want it too?
I miss summer,
Where everything was okay.

I'm just so internally unhappy that nothing brings me joy accept for the five cats who have never left my side.
True Friends and Jesus, bro.

Jesus, take the wheel!
Heb. 13:5- Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have; for he has said, "I will never fail you nor forsake you."

New words to cling too? I'm thinking yes.

sweet words

Jesus replied, "You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will." - John 13:7 ♥

Love

Love is a choice. & I feel that our generation just isn’t capable of making the choice because we have so many more options now to make running away

Easy.

I know I should have more faith,

But I am just going by what I have seen

Love to me just doesn’t exist anymore.

If you disagree, I understand.

You’re so much more hopeful than I am.

Deep down, I pray that it may still be out there

Waiting for me.

But for now, I’m going to live doubting it

Until someone changes my mind.

Birthday

Ryan DeZurik.
Today is your birthday.
&
'I'm at the waters edge.
This is where I will be,
Where you can find me.'

Whenever I miss you,
More than I can bare,
I blast our song.

I get lost,
I drown out my mind,
& I meet you there.

I'm still unable to let go of you.

The lyrics also say
'Troubled boy
I'll kiss you one last time
& say goodnight
Forever.'

Well, I'm not ready to do that yet.
So this melody will continue to ring in my ear.




I miss you ryan.

Dear nudee,

One of the hardest things to do
Is watch someone you care about

Destroy their life.

You try so hard to gather your words
& lay them out so perfectly,

Only for them to not listen to you.

Then the yelling begins,
Screaming might help break through some wise words.

But it only makes it worse.

"You don't belong here,
I hate you."

You'd do anything for them,
Just to watch them walk away.

But no matter how many times you walk away, I'll always be here.

I love you.
& I hope you never forget that.

Kills me

Through terrible news
Comes my panic attack.
I can't breathe,
& I need someone.

So I ran to you.
I burst through your door,
Ran into your room,
To find you buried into your blankets.

I pleaded to you,
I told you what had happened.
You said,
I know.

You also say;
I need to be alone.
& I'm going through a lot.
Just leave me be.

I say;
Brother,
I need you.
Please, just let me be with you.

You say;
Go away.
Come back later.
I'll call you
Later.

You never called.

"Go away. Come back later. I'll call you later."

Those words kill me.
You kill me.

I am your sister.
I have always been there for you.
Even when you walked away,
I stayed right where you left me.

I've been your solid ground.
Your sanctuary.
Your sister.
Your friend.

I'd do anything for you,
& you told me you'd call me
Later.

& that kills me.

3:36 AM

Looking through
Our pictures
Remembering our
Fun times
Laughing at some
Rolling eyes at the others
Best friends for so long
& then we just
Grew apart.

Everything you do makes me angry.
Every comment
Every like
Every time I even see your picture pop up,
I just cringe.
Remembering
Everything that I did for you
I worked hard in our friendship
& you just focused on yourself.

Typical you.
I was just too blinded by my love for you to see it.
But not anymore.

We'll always be friends
But you're no longer my best.

I wonder if you feel the same.

Lol, clearly you do.

The only times I hear from you are
When you want something.
& when you don't get what you want,
You are an asshole.

But you've always been an asshole.
I'm just now on the other end.
How I got here,
I'll never understand.

Goodbye will do

Letting go of you feels
Amazing.
I'm glad you deleted me.

I never realized until now how terrible you were for me until now.
You manipulated me and took advantage of me when it was convenient for you.
Why did I allow you to do this?

I'm better than the shit you put me through.

But I'm not going to dwell on this any longer
I'm moving forward
& Loving my life

My family
My friends
& music keeps me alive

Not you any longer.

Delete

You
Deleted me.

Does that mean
You've forgotten about me?

About all the talks
The laughs and cries

The secrets we shared
The world we created

All of that was real

But
You deleted me.

I guess

If it's better for you,
Than it's better for me.

Too fast

I always do this
With my crazzy imagination.

I meet someone who is
Amazing

& I immediately run
With the idea

That everything will fall together
Perfectly.

I have it all play out in my head
In a perfect lovely world.

I always get the real world mixed in
With my stories that play out in my head.

Blegh.
Lame.

I need to stay focused.
I need to stay gold.

Focus on what I really want,
Which is a new me.

But I don't wanna change to make you notice me.

I wanna change
For me.

Word of advice

Never change for anyone.

Change for yourself,

Or your change will never last.

crushcrushcrushcrushcrush//

When I'm around you, I feel
Wonderful.

All I wanna do is talk to you
& soak in your smile.
I've got butterflies exploding out my ears.
& When I am with you,
I feel like everyone can tell that
I'm glowing.

I love your style
Your crazy hair and sunglasses
& your unhealthy habit.
Ugh,
It's ridiculous,
How you make me feel.

I want you to
Want me.

But I don't
Because I'm scared out of my mind
Could I ever open my heart to you?
Would you be someone who would want to
Deal with my crazy beautiful life?
Because the others weren't capable.

They ran.
Or they ignored what was real.
I can't have that,
I need someone who doesn't mind
Or is able to understand
& able to help me through

But when I think about being with you,
I don't even worry about you not being understanding.
All I can see is your smile carrying me through those difficult times.

& I smile because
I want to be with you
I want to hear your stories
I want to listen to your likes and dislikes
I want to feel your heart
I want to hear your dreams.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see where this goes.
Am I getting my hopes up too early?

Probably. Oops.

Don't

No,
I don't wanna talk.

Don't touch me
Don't ask if I'm okay

Because I'm not.

My grandma has passed away
& I miss her so much it hurts.

I feel so empty.


♥

/////

I'm bursting
Trying as hard as I can to
Hold myself together

But I'm bursting

Trying to stay as busy as possible
School, Hornbachers, work out, homework, sleep.
That's my busy life

But I'm bursting.

Family setbacks
My grandmother is dying
& my family is so dramatic

& I'm bursting.

I don't wanna talk about anything
I wanna just keep hiding my feelings
& pretend that I'm okay.

Underneath, I'm bursting.

I'm supposed to be the girl
Who has it all together
& doesn't need any help

But I'm bursting.

Falling apart
Laying here as my walls crumble
God, if you can hear me

I'm bursting. Save me.

Change

I've never been good at change.
Ever since my brother left,
I've always wanted everything to stay the same
I wanted that small piece of my perfect world
To stay with me

But everything
& everyone
Changes

It's life
& it's the way it has to be

I've been so frustrated with
Everyone else
& how much they've been changing
To me
I never stopped to look and wonder

Are they really changing?
Or is it me that's changing?

All along I've been blaming everyone else
Walking out on me
Or become a new person around me
But all this time it's really
Just been me

I've changed.
& that's so weird to say

Change has always been scary for me
& Usually not very good
But this change,
Feels amazing

I have become
Independent
Strong
Determined
& I've developed a low bull-shit tolerance

My life is pulling itself together
& instead of me sitting around
Waiting to find out who I really am
I'm going to break the rules

I'm not going to look for myself
I'm going to invent myself

Change has never felt so good.

Your love is my drug

Lately
I hate myself
I can barely get out of bed
I just feel so hollow,
Someone without a purpose
Just empty
& fulfilling nothing

But you,
You free me from myself

You bring joy to my life
A happy glow to my skin
A reason to get up out of bed
& live my life

With you,
I don't feel like an empty shell
I feel like I have a purpose
I can laugh at myself
& feel a sense of peace.

I love you, Lacey Tweten
I know that I've been a pain in the ass to deal with lately
With all my complaining about money
My family
My old friends
My school
But you always listen
& are always helping me through

What would I do without you?
Well, I wouldn't.

I'll never ever be able to thank you enough
For the little things you do
I need you woman
& I love you, bay harbor butcher.
Your love is my drug.

Enough

I've had enough
There is nothing more
To do
Or say
I just feel like
We've done all that we can together

Winter, I've had enough.

My toes never warming up
The wind biting my ears and cheeks
The cold burning my lungs
The humidity cracking my skin
The never ending sickness
I can't take it anymore

Go away.

It's not like we can do anything
With you here
Going outside is painful
Being indoors is our safe route
But there is only so much to do inside
You're so unlike your beautiful sibling

Tell summer to hurry up.

I want to wake up to birds singing
I want to feel sunshine on my skin
Endless bike rides
Tanning & swimming
Camping & bonfires
Summer nights that never end....

mmm. Summer 2011 can't come fast enough.

Cover up

I feel so
Stuck.

My throat is swelling
& when I wake up, it will be swollen shut.

But when I wake up, it will be my birthday.
God doesn't show any mercy though, does he?

Not toward me anyway.
Not lately.

My life has been taken
& turned upside down.

My school has thrown curve balls at me
And has stolen all of my money.

I'm so stressed.
I hate growing up.

When I feel trapped like this,
I just wanna sit at my window

& wait for Peter to come and take me
Far away to Neverland.

But I'm just being dramatic,
Right?

I should be happy.
It's my birthday!

I have amazing friends
& a wonderful family.

20th will be fun,
Along with the 22nd(:

Money

Money here
Money there
5 dollars here
200 dollars there
School, why do you steal my cash?
I'm fighting to stay alive,
Shouldn't you be supporting me?
Not robbing me?
Fingers crossed,
I hope me throwing my cash out the window is worth it.

It hurts

Hi Grandma
Hi sweetheart
That's all she says. She is quiet and just sits still. She holds my mothers hand and mumbles words that do not apply to anything we try to talk to her about. She is fading. She is dying.
I try my best to talk. I talk to her about school and how much I like it better than last semester. I tell her about my friends and how much of a crush I've developed on someone at work. I tell her about my hair, my clothes, and my shoes. She smiles, tries to engage, but is unable to finish words and just mumbles back into her mind. When I talk, she has her eyes half open or closed. She complains about her feet being hot, but when my mother takes off her socks, her feet are black and blue from the lack of oxygen she's receiving. It's hitting me and it's hitting me hard.
My grandma is going to die.
& I am spilling with sadness.
All I can think about is how she isn't going to be around anymore. My grandmother will never get to see me become the woman she has inspired me to be. She will never see me make something of myself. I will not be able to introduce her to my future husband. She will not be attending my wedding. She will not be there to guide me through my pregnancy. She will not meet my children. She might not even be here for my 19th birthday.

It hurts. I don't want to visit because it's hurts. It hurts to look at her. I hurst to talk to her. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

When my mother runs to the bathroom, I notice Gram twitching and scratching. I do not want to just sit there, so I dig out some lotion and take her hand and begin to lather some in. She then closes her eyes and begins to relax a little. As I begin to rub in the lotion, I study her skin. This is the skin that has walked this earth for 72 years. It has been beaten, broken, and bruised, but she still has pushed forward to become the woman she is today. I am so proud to be hers. When I'm almost finished, she tightens her hand around mine, holding it tight. I want to say something. I want to tell her I love her and I want to tell her to stay.

But I can't
Because she hurts
I'm watching her hurt.
& I don't want that anymore.
I want the hurt to stop.
Whatever is best for her, I want it.
God are you listening?
Are you there?
Bring her home.
& take away her hurt.

screaming

I'm quiet on the outside
Trying to process your words
Panic
You're asking what's wrong
Phrases falling our your mouth
Trying your best to bring me answers
But nothing helps
I can't open my mouth

I'm screaming on the inside
But quiet on the outside

I can't form the words
To make you understand
So my words begin to seep out
But not in their original form
But in the form of tears
I am becoming angry
Because you keep saying what
You think I want

You're wrong
Oh mom, you're so wrong

I don't want to drop out
I don't want to get another job
I don't want to move out
I don't want to settle for less
I want to go to school
I want to keep my job
I want to live at home
I want to be successful

But I can't form my words to feelings anymore.
What's happening to me?

Rush

Beep beep
Alarm, shut up
Snooze
Dream
Awaken
Late
Rush
Rush
Rush
Scrunch hair
2nd hand make-up
Wrinkled clothes
Gotta get to work
Rush
Rush
Rush
Drive
Phone call
"Stop for coffee?"
"Will do!"
Rush
Rush
Rush
Burst through the door
Run right into love
Word vomit
"Sorry! I was rushing
& I gotta get to work!"
Eye contact
His eyes
Rush of butterflies
Nervous
Smiles
"It's okay hon, really"
Break eye contact
Nervous laugh
"Sorry."
I break away
Gotta rush
Order the coffee
Then remember his eyes
Turn around
& he's still staring
He approaches
"I'm sorry, but can I break your rush for just a second?"
Head rush
Pen, paper
Phone number
Grap coffee
Walk outside
Together
Part ways
Goodbye
Rush
Rush
Rush
Of love

l8r h8r

"so is lacey your only friend?
thats sad."

Do you think I'm stupid?
I know who you are

Go ahead,
Cut me down anonymously

But you can't break the girl
Who thinks nothing of you

I have many friends
Their the ones that you couldn't hold on too

They're amazing and lovely
You're missing out.

Even if Lacey was my only friend
I wouldn't mind

She makes me happy
& love my life

That's something that
You could never do for me

So as you're reading this
Let us go

We had our fun
But now it's over

l8r h8r

♥

I was so worried
To loose my friends
Because you were so focused on you
& what you wanted
You didn't even notice the damage you were doing

But they continue to surprise me
Even after what happened, you guys stuck
Invites to sledding and burrito nights
Bring a smile that stretches across my face
I am so happy to have friends like you

No more tension
No more awkward glances
No more rumors
No more hate
Just love

We mesh so well
For being so different
We seem to be able to let go
& just find silly things to do
To have the time of our lives

From walking miles in the snow
To sledding races
(Up, down, up down, up, down)
To rock band new years
& Denny's runs

I'm just so excited to spend 2011
With you guys
I'm living my life
Carefree and full of happiness
Adventures are coming my way

Can't wait ♥

Looking back

twenty ten

Turned 18
Got my license
Saw my sister
Slacked my way through the last quarter
Graduated
Broke my leg
Got carried by firemen
Rode in an ambulance
Got my first hospital bracelet
Re-learned how to walk
Jumped off a dock for the first time into a lake
Went to Valley Fair for the first time
Made new & amazing friends
Played blind mans bluff past 10
Started my first year of college
Skipped class for the first time
Ate lunch @ Panchero's one too many times
Danced on walks to school
Went on a kick-ass camping trip
Colored my hair
Felt beautiful for the first time
Was told that I am an amazing writer by a writer
Finished my first semester of college
Gained confidence
Drama
Let go of some friends
But held tight to others
Saw my sister again
Had an amazing Christmas
Went for a walk in a blizzard
Spent new years with my best friends

2011.
I hope to
Have an amazing 19th birthday
Work a lot
Buy a Cannon Rebel
Finish my first year of college
Visit Colorado
On my way to California
Spend time soaking it up on the beach
Come home
Have an amazing rest of the summer with my best friends
Go to Warp Tour
Get SUPER TAN
Possibly get another piercing
Maybe start school
Maybe not
Have a kick-ass Halloween costume
Go sledding a lot
Have it actually feel like Christmas
Have another amazing new years

Live my life carefree

Thank you to those who made this year amazing.
I love you more than you'll ever understand.