i'm repeating my same mistakes

it's hard dealing with death
and the acceptance of it

so i choose not to deal with it
and not to accept it

it's crazy, i know
but i lie to myself.

no one understands what i'm going through
yeah, i understand you lost your grandma too

i know that all grandparents die
and that they're just old and it's going to happen

but i didn't just loose my grandma
i lost one of my greatest friends

i told her so much
we shared so many great memories

she made me happy
& happiness is sometimes very hard for me to find

but it came naturally with her
i couldn't help but to smile when i was with her

but i regret so much.

i regret not visiting more
not being there when she fell
not being there when she was in the hospital
not visiting her everyday in the nursing home
not accepting that she was dying
not going to be with her while she passed
ignoring everything while it was happening

i regret it so much.
i regret not accepting that i was never going to see her again

so i bury it

deep within my soul

& i don't accept that she's gone
because i just can't

i'm repeating my same mistakes

& it's nights like these
when i lie awake, staring at my ceiling
hating myself

I'm pathetic.