It hurts

Hi Grandma
Hi sweetheart
That's all she says. She is quiet and just sits still. She holds my mothers hand and mumbles words that do not apply to anything we try to talk to her about. She is fading. She is dying.
I try my best to talk. I talk to her about school and how much I like it better than last semester. I tell her about my friends and how much of a crush I've developed on someone at work. I tell her about my hair, my clothes, and my shoes. She smiles, tries to engage, but is unable to finish words and just mumbles back into her mind. When I talk, she has her eyes half open or closed. She complains about her feet being hot, but when my mother takes off her socks, her feet are black and blue from the lack of oxygen she's receiving. It's hitting me and it's hitting me hard.
My grandma is going to die.
& I am spilling with sadness.
All I can think about is how she isn't going to be around anymore. My grandmother will never get to see me become the woman she has inspired me to be. She will never see me make something of myself. I will not be able to introduce her to my future husband. She will not be attending my wedding. She will not be there to guide me through my pregnancy. She will not meet my children. She might not even be here for my 19th birthday.

It hurts. I don't want to visit because it's hurts. It hurts to look at her. I hurst to talk to her. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

When my mother runs to the bathroom, I notice Gram twitching and scratching. I do not want to just sit there, so I dig out some lotion and take her hand and begin to lather some in. She then closes her eyes and begins to relax a little. As I begin to rub in the lotion, I study her skin. This is the skin that has walked this earth for 72 years. It has been beaten, broken, and bruised, but she still has pushed forward to become the woman she is today. I am so proud to be hers. When I'm almost finished, she tightens her hand around mine, holding it tight. I want to say something. I want to tell her I love her and I want to tell her to stay.

But I can't
Because she hurts
I'm watching her hurt.
& I don't want that anymore.
I want the hurt to stop.
Whatever is best for her, I want it.
God are you listening?
Are you there?
Bring her home.
& take away her hurt.