Gone

"Hello, did you find everything okay?"
"Yes, I did. Thank you."
"Of course. Oh, I love your gauges."
"Hey, thanks! Hey, didn't I go to high school with you?"
"I think so!"
"You were Dane's friend!"
"Yes, I was."
Silence.
"Well thank you, sydney. Have a good evening."
"Thank you. You as well."

My cheeks burn bright red after she walks away.
I just still haven't been able to accept that Dane is gone.
I've pushed it aside and ran away from accepting his death

I just don't want to let go
He's such an amazing person
& I never wanna say that he 'was'

Because I feel like he's still here
When will I feel that he's
Gone?

I love you more than you will ever know

Watching you leave was so hard
& gets harder every time
You belong here, mikayla
You're truly happy here
& it's written on your face

Quiet days are ahead of me
All alone, I sulk in my room
No more forced cuddling
No more talks till 5 in the morning
No more older sister love

I feel so empty
& I know something is missing
You bring out the best in me
I am myself when I'm with you
Without you here, I feel so quiet

I have to push myself to be happy in my home
With you here, it came naturally
I wasn't afraid to stand up for myself
I wasn't afraid to tell the truth
I just wasn't afraid.

I worry about you, out there on your own
All alone, without your big sister
Facing all those high school days
Without your boo there to boss you around
Or tell you that you look beautiful today

You have to face your days without me there to guide you
Bitches and hoes will try to tear you down
Terrible people will offer you terrible things
No one to have a face to face conversation with
Will you make the right decisions?

My heart tells me yes
You are a wonderful girl, Mikayla
Your heart is as big as a lions
Your smile lights up city blocks
& your laugh lifts any heavy heart

I'm just a worry wart
But it's all out of love, I swear it.
You make me feel beautiful
You make me feel sane
You make me feel alive.

"Oh, I know that I am here
& you are there
But we still have our love.
We move just like the moon and sun.
The sun comes up
The moon rolls down.
A world apart, but they don't make a sound.
They know their love spins us round.
I've been to heaven and I've been to hell.
I've been to vegas and God knows where.
But nothing feels like home like you, babe.
I love you more than you will ever know."

Christmas

With pretty lights
Presents wrapped so tight
Laughter erupting from family
Pizza, cookies, smokies
Smiles go round with silly games

I just find myself missing someone
Her laugh isn't found
Her opinion isn't heard
Her breathing isn't bothered
Grandma is missing

She is now alone
Locked away in a nursing home
Pushed into her room
That she must share with a stranger
She is now alone

Grandma, I've never told you
How much I love your company
Even though you always have to win aggravation
Or ask what I'm eating
You never brought tears or anger into my life

Just smiles and stories.

I pray that your condition now isn't permanent
& that you'll be able to recover
I love you, Gram Gram
You're the craziest old woman I've ever met
This Christmas, I've never been more excited to visit a nursing home.

<3 you, sith lord(;

//

Here we go again
You're running through my mind
Everything I touch
See
Feel
Hear
Reminds me of you

I can't forget
& I know that I shouldn't
Because I loved you,
& still do
But I don't want to come back
Because I know my indecisive mind
Will make me run away once again

I promise I will never come back
Ever again
What I did to you was wrong
& I hate myself for that
You deserve so much more
Than a little girl
Lost in her own perfect dream world

So I just pray
That these dreams go away
That these visions of us fade
That these clouds can look any other color than gray
I just want to move on and be able to look and feel things
Without you invading my mind
I never thought this would be so hard.

"I can see it from the other side
The grass isn't always as green
The houses burn to ashes
& I'm no longer in between.
R.I.P. You & me."

Ready or not, here I come.

You’re playing the game you know best
Pretending that you’re innocent

As you send out tasks and words that creep
They cut through my skin and crawl.

& You’re waiting for me to react
To cry out and point my finger

Only for you to shrug your shoulders
& bat your baby eyes,
To make it look like you’re innocent
& I’m just the bitch against you

You’re cleaver, I’ll give you that
But guess what?

You may manipulate and take what you want,
But I will not break to look like the bad person here

You think you’ve set me up to loose?
You’re wrong.

I know how to play this game
You’re in for a mighty surprise.
You’ve taught me well, master.
This young padawan is ready.

Bring it on.

Hello

I'm back!

I've decided that the other blog is just a little too much.
I shall leave it up to post cool pics and videos
But my writing stays here.

<3 Ya'll,

--sydd

Fellow Followers

I'm trying something new.

Go here:

http://sydneythinksyourerad.tumblr.com/

(:

Kiss it better

I'm working on a story that this song inspired.
Stay tuned.

leave me alone

You asked for my opinion,
So I gave it to you.

But of course
You don't believe me.

So,
Why'd you ask?

I get it,
You want to believe what she's said.

That's fine.
Just leave me out of it.

Seriously,
I've been through this numerous times.

Just leave me alone.

Stop sucking up to me.
Stop randomly acting like you care.

Seriously.
Nothing annoys me more than this mask you've adapted.

I don't wanna be apart of this
So stop asking.

Just have fun with what you believe now
& don't come to me when you find truth for yourself.

Winter

My skin hides under 5 layers of pants
And three pairs of mittens
But nothing could ever protect my face
From the frost biting wind

Instead of hiding from the cold,
We embrace it.
We decide to have an amazing time
Loving life, we play in the snow

Sliding down hills
With silly garbage cans over our heads
And flying off of hay bails
Is an easy way to live

Purple cheeks
Numb toes
Hat hair
We decide that Denny's is a must

Hot chocolate
Whip cream
One, two, three
Refills please!

Rushing back to our cars
To escape the angry cold
Random acts of pushing
Causes laughter and joy

A squished ride back to our cars,
Because car pooling is a must,
We bond.
We make memories.

Almost calling it a night
But deciding a movie would be lovely
It's okay to hide tonight
From the wind that takes our breath away

Because I'm with the people I love the most.

Even though I hate the cold
And the coast still whispers my name
I would never trade a winter with my best friends
For anything in the world.

Get over yourself

Seriously,
You're out of control

Boy to boy
Drama to drama

How can you live your life this way?
It's disgusting.

I don't care if you love your Jesus
Start showing it so I believe it

I love you,
I really do.

But when you bring it up again,
You're going to listen to what I have to say

I'm preparing my words
But I already know you'll deny it.

Ugh, forget it.
You're just another stupid girl

Playing these sick little games
Get over yourself.

Start living up to the lifestyle you're shoving down everyones throat
& maybe I'll respect you a little more.

This is exciting!

mmmm, I love Lacey Tweten.
She's gorgeous
She's lovely
She's hilarious
She's my best friend.

Love you,

February

Close your eyes

Finally, we were alone.
Everyone had left the party, and after cleaning up a little, I decided to feel my way to the couch and sit in my favorite corner spot. From there, I could map out the entire apartment in my head. I heard each step his bare feet took on the hardwood floor and each step made me nervous. He was coming closer, and soon he would be next to me. He was already intoxicating me with his scent and I was anxious for what the night would bring. When he finally reached the couch, he sat down next to me, taking my hand in his.
His hands were so rough. As he moved his hand from my hand to around my waste, I wondered what he actually looked like. I often imagined him to look like the last man I saw, which was my older brothers best friend, Mike. Broad shoulders, big eyes, crooked smile. But, I knew that Gabe couldn't possibly look just like him. My curiosity was driving me mad, so I finally just asked him the question I had been dying to ask the moment he first spoke to me with his rich, deep voice.
"Gabe, may I discover what you look like?" I was shaking, fearing his answer. Would he make fun of me? Or would he understand that living in a world of darkness is a lot more difficult than everyone assumes?
"I was wondering how long it would take you to ask me." I could tell he was smiling, but I could also sense question in his voice. Was he afraid of me finding something?
He let go of me and we positioned ourselves cross-legged straight across from each other. I was so nervous I could hardly breathe. I listened to him slowly remove his thick framed glasses and fold them into a perfect triangle and set them on the coffee table. He then took my hands in his to let me know he was ready because he just couldn't find the words.
I moved my hands slowly up his arms, feeling his skin bulge out from his muscles and then up to his shoulders. They were broad. I then moved my fingers along his collar bone and up his neck. All of a sudden, my left hand felt his skin change from something soft to an interesting texture. The damaged skin ran from right from the middle of his neck all the way up his head. A lot of the right side of his face felt flawed, but so lovely. It brought comfort to my soul knowing that we could both share the agony that the outside world gave to us. From the damaged skin, I made my way back down his forehead to his eyes. They were very big and his eyelashes were wonderful. His nose was very strong but not over baring. Then came his lips. They were so soft and full, but not girly. I could feel his breath upon my fingers and I decided that I had done enough.
As I pulled away, he let out a heavy sigh.
"Are you disappointed?"
"No."
"You don't have to lie to me. I'm sorry I never told you about my scar, I just thought you might turn me away or feel sorry for me."
"Gabe, I'm not angry with you and I'm not lying. I know how it feels to have people treat you differently because of the way you look or because you're flawed. You finally were able to hide it from someone and actually receive attention that you deserve. & I'm not lying. You're breath taking."
I imagined his perfect lips giving me a crooked smile.
"You're not flawed. You're beautiful the way you are."
"As are you." I couldn't help the enormous smile that was taking over my face.
"Alright then love, it's your turn." His voice was full of curiosity.
"What do you mean?" I laughed. "You can already see me."
"Well, I would like to have a taste of how you see things. May I?" He asked as he took my hands.
"Alright," I gave in "but close your eyes." I couldn't help but smile.
He slowly ran his hands up my arms and then to my neck. He ran his fingers over my jaw line and behind my ears. His fingers went through my hair and then over my forehead and eyebrows and then found their way to my eyes and cheeks. He pinched them and then ran his finger down from the top of my nose to my lips. His rough right hand held my face while his left fingers ran along my lips. I then felt him shift his body and all of a sudden his soft lips were to my ear.
My head was spinning,
"May I kiss you, beautiful?"
"Yes, you may."

Artwork

Headphones
My song
Volume to the max
Watercolors
Orange
Yellow
Water
Anger
Hurt
Sadness.

I see this when I look down




When I look up, I see this




I have discovered how to let go
& you have no idea
How beautiful it feels.

See the piece of glitter on my cheek?
It screams hope
& when I see it

I can't help but smile

"You gotta keep your chin up! Sunny days wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for rain.."

Music

You have no idea how many times I've come here to post something
& then I just can't.

I can't figure out how to express to you what I'm going through
Because I feel like you would never understand.

When I feel like this,
I turn to music.

Often music helps me say the words I can't
& I think that's what I love so much about it

Today, I downloaded the Rocket Summer's new album
It's amazing.

When this song came on, I couldn't believe what I was hearing,
A lot of it is exactly how I feel.

Especially these words:

"And you got nowhere else to go
And you're lost within your own home,

And you're trying so hard to win,
You keep trying, it's embarrassing.

And how you don't even know,
But you know you're off the tracks...

And how did you get in here?
Thinking how did I get in here?"

Check out the rest of the song,
It's amazing.

Is anybody out there?

Because I'm beginning to hear an echo.
When I shout out something,
it comes right back.

I do the same thing,
day after day.
I see the same people,
day after day.

I can't take it anymore
I want to rip out all my hair
I want to scream
I want to cry.

I just don't know what to do anymore.
Happiness isn't coming from within.
I am lost.

Save me.

Another Dream

I open my eyes.
I awake in a large bed with no one around. The sheets on the other side from me have been slid off of and who ever was there is now in the kitchen. I know I am dreaming, I can feel it. I decide to look around.
As I begin to look at pictures on the dressers, I take in that I am a professional photographer & I am engaged to a gorgeous boy.
When I look down at my ring, I begin to feel everything around me shift. I forget that I am dreaming and this place becomes my home. These possessions and walls are mine and this is my life.
I am happy to be here. I am remembering that my fiance has just gotten back from a long weekend at his cousins and it's amazing to have him back. Smelling breakfast, I decide that I should see what he's making for me. He'll probably be mad that I woke up before he could bring it to me, but I love his face when he sees me come around the corner and he usually freaks out and tackles me and forces me to go back to bed so he can bring me the breakfast he worked so hard on.
As I creep through the hallway, I can hear that he's on the phone. I peek around the corner and he's wearing a crooked smile, one that he usually only gives me. He is running his fingers through his hair and laughing a nervous laugh.
"I had an amazing time with you, I really did. But I don't think we should do it again. I am getting married in the fall..."
I can't breathe.
"Maybe if I come out there another weekend before the wedding to get away, I'll call you up for another good time."
Holding my head, the walls begin to shake. I can't take to hear anymore. I've got to leave.
I grab a bag from under the bed and I begin to throw everything inside that is mine. Tears are building up so much that I can barely see anything, but I just let them stay like that. I squint, but only to see our pictures whisper lies in my ear.
I begin to think of us. I think about being with him last night. His deceiving finger running along my cheek bone and his mouth just kissing another girls mouth. I am disgusted. His hands, those eyes, that smile were no longer mine. They were used by someone else and I just received her sloppy seconds.
I throw the bag over my shoulder, finally clear my eyes, and begin to wedge off the ring.
As I'm going out the door way, he's turning the corner with breakfast.
"Where are you going, lady?" I walk right past him, making sure I don't touch him. I hear him quickly stride after me, putting down the breakfast on the counter.
"Sydney, wait. Please." He grabs my arm and whips me around.
"Don't touch me!" I scream. I feel an infected burn where he had laid his fingers upon me.
"Syd, please..." I put on my shoes and remember that I'm still wearing that ring. I walk past him again and set the ring on the table. It now means nothing to me.
"You heard that phone call?! Sydney, please wait! Can we talk about this, please!" His voice is filled with desperation. I don't know why, but I decide to sit down at the table. He sits down across from me, setting his elbows on the table and holding his hair out of his face, he begins to cry.
"I'm so sorry. I love you, I don't want you to leave." Is all he chokes out.
"I thought we were talking? But really, what is there to talk about? Are you wanting me to drive you to her house for your next good time?! Is that all that I was to you as well? A good time? Well, clearly you became bored with me..."
He interups, "You were not just another good time. I'm in love with you. I was just confused this weekend. I was drinking all weekend and I wasn't thinking straight. Sydney, you're my babe. I only want you."
"Really? Are you drunk right now? Because you were just on the phone with her saying you were totally ready to do it all again! You don't love me." I begin to choke back tears watching his fall down like rain.
"I'll never talk to her again Syd. Please. I'll delete her number, I'll never go to Jake's again, I'll stay with you forever. This will never happen again. I love you so much, everything we've been through is so wonderful. I'm not throwing that away because of one weekend." He is panicking.
"You can't delete a weekend. You cheated on me. You should have thought of everything we've been through when you were kissing her mouth. You threw it all away Jay. You threw me away."
"No! Please Syd, I'll go to therapy, I'll do anything to keep you here with me!"
"How can I trust you? Looking at you now even hurts. All I can see is her running her fingers through your hair and you giving her the nervous laugh that I thought was just mine. But here you've been sharing it. I feel so used."
"It was just her! This was just one time!" He is beginning to yell at me. I decide to yell back.
"Why the fuck should I believe you?! You lied to me last night! You were touching me after you had touched her all weekend! Put yourself in my shoes, Jay. Imagine me with someone else. Would you forgive me? Would you be able to erase those images out of your head? Could you let go?" I feel like my fingers are going to break because my fists are clenched so tightly.
"I would because I love you. I love you, I love you." He is sobbing.
"I love you. I love you so much. But I just can't stand to look at you any longer." I push the ring away from me and toward him. I slide out of the chair and out the door, never looking back.

You know?

We know.
You don't know that we know, but we do.

& I know that he knows what you think you know.
But you don't know. You're making it up.

But they all think they know, but since you don't know, they don't know.
I may think I know, but I probably don't know that they believe that what you know is false.

Maybe they know that what they know they actually don't know.
Or maybe they just believe that what they know is true.

I don't know,
But I sure wish I knew.

100

100 posts
Posts of love
Posts of anger
Posts of happiness
Posts of depression
Posts of laughs
Posts of joy
Posts of friends
Posts of freedom

Posts about me.

About two years ago, my life slowly began to crumble. Instead of dealing with what I was going through, I closed myself in and began to self destruct. I held everything I needed to say inside and stopped talking about things that mattered because I was afraid of what people would think. I hated myself and hated what I was becoming.
Thankfully, I met my greatest friends during this time and the ones that mattered stuck around. They always encouraged me to write, but I was just too afraid to put that pen to paper because I knew what would come out.
Myself.
I finally caved and started this blog. & I can honestly say that this blog has saved me from myself. I would not be the person that I am today without it. I have discovered so much about myself just by having my fingertips slowly tap the keys and have wonderful words flow onto the screen.
This blog is my security blanket, my vent, my counselor.
This blog is me.

2,025 people have read what I have to say.
Thank you for searching and trying to learn a little bit more about me.
It means more than you can ever know.
Keep creeping, some great stories are yet to come(:

With love,
-sydd

mmmm

Can't wait ♥

Friends

Hello,
You're wonderful
I love spending time with you
You make me laugh
You make me smile
& best of all
You make me forget.


Even though I'm still getting to know most of you
I want you to know that
I love you.

Baha, Eclipse

When I was in 8th grade, I stumbled upon a book called Twilight.
It was fascinating. It was something I had never really read before. It was a glorious romance novel.

But then there was a second book. And then a third book. And then a fourth book.

& then movies and clothes.

Pencils and earrings.

I began to hate the whole story.
But I still keep up with the movies since I did indeed end up reading all the books out of curiosity. If you haven't read the books, you won't understand this clip I'm going to post. Alice and Jasper have really always been my favorite characters in the story because they just flow so much easier than stupid whore-faced Bella and idiot Eddie do. They really are the definition of a cute couple and I would love for Jasper to smile at me the way he smiles at Alice(;

Anyway, this is the best 24 seconds of the movie. Other than that, it was a hilarious movie, which I don't think were the intentions of it.

I am not that girl.

This is the mindset I have developed in the past few weeks:
I need someone
My best friends have someone
So, I need someone too. Right?

Wrong.

Why did I develop that mind set?
I am disgusted with myself.
I do not need a boy to make me feel good.

I am independent
I am free
I am lovely

& No one can take that away from me.

Lovely Lyrics

Been through a lot in the last year
It's like everything I love is slipping away
And every time I come home
Some more of me isn't there
I gotta get it together
I need to do things for myself
I've given everything
But still you take more from me
I need some room to breathe

Come on, come on
You know this isn't what we planned on

Come on, come on
Tell me we'll be okay

Lets go back, lets go back
To a time where I still felt I had a family

This isn't what I remember
Everyone's looking out for just themselves
If need be I'll be happy to leave
Just be warned, I'll be taking most of you with me
I see straight through
That smile straight through
That painted face
Don't think that I can't tell
Which one of you is against me

Come on, come on
You know this isn't what we planned on

Come on, come on
Tell me we'll be okay

Lets go back, lets go back
To a time where I still felt I had a family

I had the greatest faith in fools,
I turned my back and out came the wolves

Come on, come on
You know this isn't what we planned on

Come on, come on
Tell me we'll be okay

Lets go back, lets go back
To a time where I still felt I had a family

Been through a lot in the last year
It's like everything I love is slipping away



- ADTR

On my mind

1. I really wish I would have gotten tickets to the 30H!3 concert. I was trying to memorize their latest cd before the show, not even considering the fact that it was going to sell out. Oh well, guess it was not meant to be.

2. My inspirational story ending really sucked.
It's kinda hard to understand, but in the end, the boyfriend comes back as a super human zombie and takes her away, as in out of the miserable hospital. It needs more work. A lot more work.

3. I want to throw a fist full of glitter in the air.

4. I really should go to class tomorrow. I knew that once I skipped my first class, the rest would come easy.

5. I was totally serious about hanging out and watching movies this weekend. Were you? Fingers crossed. I really want to become tight with you guys and I think that this would be a fun way to start.

6. I miss my hoop. Maybe since I'm not going to 30H!3 I can afford to buy one this weekend..!

7. I really would enjoy watching Fight Club. Should I read the book first? Nahhh.

8. I gave you my number. Will you text me?

9. I miss Bonita and Ryan.

10. I want to dream I am on the coast again, feeling the salty waves hit my skin and hear them roar upon the shore. I want to taste the salt around my lips and feel the sunshine on my skin.

I want to escape.

11. I want to be a model. But, maybe I would enjoy taking the pictures more than being in them. We'll just have to see, eh?

Inspirational Piece (Expressive Writing)

For expressive writing, we were supposed to write a horror story, a kids story, and a inspirational story, but with the same exact story line. I have put up the horror and children's poem, but not the inspirational story.
Until now.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my inspirational story which is based on my Zombie nightmare from before.
Enjoy.


I find little joy in my days. I’ve always been a girl who needs someone there for me to point out the happiness in my life because of my past. I’d die without my boyfriend, Jake. He is the most gorgeous kid I know and the happiest. He always knows exactly what to say to put a smile on my face & I love him for that. I’d never tell him this, but he’s my everything.
We haven’t seen each other in weeks because of our busy work schedule, but we finally are meeting after work to go to our favorite coffee shop on Broadway to discuss plans we have been making about moving to California. We both have a very different style than people here in Minnesota, so we’ve been talking about just getting out of this place. But, finally tonight, we’re going to discuss our lovely plans to leave.
We meet and I’m in love all over again. He smiles at me and gives me a sweet kiss on the cheek and holds my hand, but he never goes over the top with PDA because we both think it’s annoying. We order and sit in our usual spot. We hold hands across the table and listen to each other about our days, laugh at our jokes, and bitch about our stupid jobs and people that just do not understand us. We are together, and it’s a glorious feeling to catch the rays of sunshine that beam off of his amazing personality.
Then the nightmare begins.
It all happened so fast. A woman collapsed at the counter and then in seconds, she was leaping around like a frog out of water, ripping people apart like rag dolls. I remember not being able to move, but then being dragged out by Jake and thrown into our car. I locked my door right before a man eater decided that I looked tasty. I was crying so much that I was shaking from the commotion. Coincidently, Jake’s door would not open, and the zombie started tearing into his neck. He finally threw the beast off of him and jumped into the car. I couldn’t believe what I had seen, and before I knew it, I was out cold.
Waking up in his arms was the greatest feeling. I felt secure and loved like I had before the breakout. I began to sob into him and he held me close. He then pulled me away from him and lifted my chin to look him in the eyes. His eyes had changed so much, from a light brown to a dark red and greenish color. I began to sob, knowing that the words falling out of his mouth about a cure was nonsense. He said they injected a fluid into is veins to try and stop it, but clearly they were not showing any results.
Time is a funny thing. It comes and goes, and you can never get it back. I’d do anything to be with jake just a few more hours, or even minutes, but the doctors returned with their very own exterminator and they decided that it was time for me to go, but not where Jake was about to.
I screamed and cried as the doctors began to pull me away from him. He held on to me with all his strength and he was able to give me one last kiss, & then he was gone.
Being dragged down that long hallway was more than miserable. I watched through swinging doors as they blew a giant hole into my boyfriend’s head. I watched him fall lifelessly to the floor, wishing I had been there to catch him.
I was suddenly in another room. The doctors threw me upon a long white and cold table and strapped me to its unwelcome body. I began to scream, but it’s like no one could hear me. They began to touch me in places that I didn’t know were supposed to be touched. They told me that they were doing a final examination to make sure I was clean of the virus, but I knew that they were doing a lot more than that. I began to cry. I had never felt more violated and hopeless in my life.
I cried for Jake.
I cried for upcoming loneliness.
I cried for myself.
I tried breaking free, but I was so weak from the previous happenings that moving was useless. As I was about to wish I were dead, I heard a massive scream through my tears. It was a bone-chilling scream, one that I had never heard anything like before in my life. Everyone stopped touching and poking me and angled themselves toward the door. Whatever was out there, was coming this way.
I began to panic, I could not move and all of them were the type to bail and leave me stranded. But maybe this was needed. I had no desire to go on. My only reason to live was now taken from me and I wanted to join him. So, I tried to settle into my cold tight coffin and waited for whatever was on it’s way.
It got so quiet I could hear blood oozing out of the cut by my eye that some asshole made while doing his tests. Then, a creature bursts through the door and begins tearing everyone apart. He ripped one of the mans arms off that had given my this lovely cut and tore into another mans neck, removing his throat and major veins from his body.
I closed my eyes and listened to their screams. I decided that this would be my fate, so I tried accepting that as much as possible and enjoy listening to the doctors screams before mine, which would come next. It seemed like the creature was getting revenge on what they had done to me.
I happened to be right.
I opened my eyes to him going after his last guy, the one who was clearly the leader of this operation. He ran out the door and the monster followed. All I could hear were the mans screams, and suddenly, I was afraid. I did not want to suffer as much as these people did.
When the zombie returned to me, I cried out to him. I told him to make whatever he was going to do to me as painless as possible and that I just wanted to die so I could join my other half somewhere in the heavens. He then placed his hand on mine and with the other, started loosening the belt that held me close. I didn’t understand, I couldn’t understand. I then looked up into familiar eyes, ones that used to smile and glow for me.
The monster was Jake.
“I’m not going to hurt you. It's all over, we're going home.” His voice echoed through my head and once the belts were loose, I took all the strength left inside my soul and threw myself into his arms. He was so much more dense than what he was before and he lifted me off the table and carried me like a child out of the hospital.

We were finally through with this place and it's sorrow.




I still like the horror story better(:

Hanging upside down, tears fall up

You guys are fun to watch
Living on your phones
Smiling at their words
I'm more than happy to watch and listen

But now I'm
Left out.

Envy fills
You have someone to lean on
Someone to listen and understand
Someone new

It's not like I want a relationship
I don't know if I'm ready yet
But, I would really enjoy
Someone new

I had an amazing friend
But we began to grow apart
He likes living the same life
I like living in the adventure and taking chances

So, now I do not really have my solid ground
I don't have someone who can listen
& give me feedback
From a boys perspective

I have very many amazing guy friends
But no longer really have a best friend
I still love the other,
I just feel like we no longer mesh

I think I may have found someone
He is a lot like me
But I'm afraid to ask if we could talk
He'll probably take my motives wrong

So for now, I'll hang upside down on my bed
While you both get ready for the boys
I'll shoot peanut m&ms into the trash & blast 3OH!3
While my tears fall up

Halloween

Masks and wigs
Costumes and candy
Screams and laughter

What else can I say?

Happy Halloween(:

Here we goooo

Looks & smiles.
Why must my mind play tricks on me?

Also,
I sort of feel bad for the words that were carelessly falling out from my mouth.
It's not like what I was saying wasn't true,
It was just...

Say Anything

It's so loud
& Crowded.
I really didn't want to go into the mess
But I followed you
I took the chance
We squished into the crowd

& separated from the rest of our friends
Holding hands,
We were not letting go
Standing on my tippy toes
I can't see a thing
But as I'm looking around,

I see you
You're in a bigger mess of people
You see me
You reach out your hand
& we touch
But I'm too scared to take hold

You see him too
You squeeze my hand saying
Go
I'm so scared
I can feel my heart inside my throat
He then again see's me, & holds out his hand

It's like minutes pass
I do not want to get hurt
I've been in messes like this before
But where you are, you can see the music
Your eyes glowing,
I need to make a decision

I let go of my fear
I reach out for you
& I fly across the people between
Now we are together
In this crazy crowd
But I'm not scared

The music begins
Along with the mosh pit
We stick together
Shoving their sweaty selves around
I am not afraid
Because I'm with my friends

I begin to scream the lyrics
That you've imprinted into my skull
So beautifully written,
Look what you've done to me
I'm taken over by the sound
When you move, I move

The words you've cleverly written
& strung along with a lovely melody
Is not just moving me,
But everyone.
I love you,
Say Anything.

Thank you for helping me let go of another fear that was buried down inside me.
I'll never forget last night.

Something that made my day

Sydney,

Don't worry about not being able to make it to conferences. Your
safety is far more important. I've gone ahead and pasted my comments
about your drafts into this email.

***

First of all, let me address the caliber of your prose here. I've said
it before, but it deserves repeating: you, Sydney, have talent. Your
descriptions are succinct, memorable, and well-delivered. Your voice
is clear and direct. People work their entire lives to hone skills
that seem almost second-nature to you. I hope that, long after this
class is finished, you still continue writing. Don't ever let that
gift go to waste.

Now, on to these assignments proper: Your poem is hysterical, and an
absolutely perfect example of what I hope students will accomplish
with this assignment. While you are telling the same story that your
other drafts tell, you've told it in a fashion that is completely its
own. As a result, the story feels new and exciting to your reader,
despite the fact that it's already been told to them in a different
fashion. Excellent work.

Regarding your inspirational draft: while I like what you're doing at
the end (and would encourage you to keep the work you've completed
there), I hope that you can go back throughout the story and revise
the description from the suspenseful text. Make this narrative feel as
unique as the child's story does! You certainly have the ability.

Good luck with your revisions, Sydney. Can't wait to see what you come up with!

***

Just a thought

As the rain falls from the sky, I notice that the clouds have a very thick and gray color. It's cold outside and very windy.
& then a leave hits me in the face and I randomly am stuck with this idea of people in the clouds.

Okay, not really people, but aliens.

What if they invaded earth and tried taking over, but they didn't like the idea of living with us, so they moved up to the sky & live in the clouds. Which means that we have eternal gloominess and rain.

Before they move back to the sky, the go about earth destroying everything and everyone that won't listen. Thousands and thousands are killed around the globe, but there are some survivors, like me and my friends.

While the aliens were on earth, they set up concentration camps and sent humans there. When they set me free, I only was with my best friend when we discovered our families had not survived. We eventually ended up running into our other friends and we go to one of our old houses and decide it will be ours.

Life would never be the same. Since aliens had this super power in which they could morph in ways that made them look exactly like us, you had to carry an ID card with you @ all times. The police would go to every door, conduct tests on you, and if they found you were human, the would stick a small chip in your eye. That way, when you go out to school, work, or just to walk around the block, police can shine a special tool in your eyes that have the chip glow. If you didn't have a chip, your chip malfunctioned, or you were an alien, you were sent to a military base for tests. If you tried to run, you were killed on the spot.

Curiosity rules our minds, wondering what they are doing above us and what it's like up there. There are many rumors, but we want to know the truth. My friends and I decide that we're going to find out. We get ready to explore the sky & decide to leave right in the morning for the tallest building left to see if we can take a peek of what's really above us.

But we wake up to sunshine on our skin, peeking through the blinds in our home. We all run outside to see a clear sky. Did the aliens invade again, but did it in ways where we couldn't see them? Or did they leave to get another group to come back and take over?


Like I said, just a thought walking home from school.

Should I run with it? We'll see.

My Mask

My mask hides my eyes
They tell such a fascinating story
Of how I became who I am today.

I first tried glasses on when I was in 2nd grade.
They were tiny little wire ones, only to help me see.
Then I decided to get thicker ones to hide what's underneath.

But lately, I feel that I now have nothing to hide.
So I'm trying something different.

We'll see how long it lasts....

Probably until I fall down the stairs.

Anything for attention I tell yah.

I've gotta vent super fast, or I'll sleep with clenched fists.

I hate it when people (girls) post on facebook or even talk about football when they know absolutely nothing about it.
Trust me, we all know you know nothing about it.
So stop trying to
Impress us.
Excuse me.
Stop trying so damn hard to
Impress guys.

Seriously, if I came over right now and asked you to name 5 players on 'your' team
You could name 1.
Possibly 2.

I know I know, I don't know everything about football, but
I actually watch the games and enjoy getting to know the players.
I put my heart into the game and when you go on facebook to draw attention to yourself,thinking you know about it because you checked the scores online,

it's really annoying.

So please, stfu.

Happy birthday!

Today will be one of the greatest days of your life
Today, you may announce you are
Forever Young

Have an amazing 21.


Enjoy it, friend(::

Just a thought

When we talk about death,
It's a terrible thing.

When things die, we feel empty.
We feel as if they were stolen from us
We now realize that they're going to be gone from our everyday life.

We never celebrate death
Maybe it's because we're so unsure of what's next
Maybe it's because we're selfish & want them for our own
Maybe it's because their life was taken from them on accident
Maybe it's because we want a second chance

As the leaves change colors
And people celebrate the season, I think to myself

Why is death our favorite season when we hate it so much?

We watch as each leaf slowly looses it's life.
It changes colors because it's
Dying
We watch them die and we're okay with that.
We celebrate the beauty that they display
& The life that they led when they were here
Then they fall, and we pick them up
& dispose of the pieces left behind as their spirit leaves them.

But the one thing that I love about their death is
A beautiful leaf is bound to return in the spring.
They will be missed during our cold and dark days,
But we keep in mind that we'll see them again.

What if we looked at the deaths of our loved ones like that?
What if we could celebrate what they had when they were here?
The beautiful colors that they portray through their smiles and laughs
The lovely life that they lived

But we aren't sad because we know we'll see them again.





Sigh.

I think too much.

Let Go

I know I should be the last one talking
Since, well, I don't
Let anything go

But,
This is kinda different

We happened awhile ago
Yes, what we had was special
But it's over.

Things
Happened.

People
Change.

You
Changed.

I
Changed.

I'll always
Love you

But,
We're over.

Everything we had
Is no longer
There.

Let me go.

Zombies for the children (Expressive Writing)

If you haven't read my scary version of this yet, you should probably do that first.
Then come back here!
If you have
Enjoy.



Zombies eat brains
Zombies eat flesh
Zombies are good at hiding
So look under your desk!

Zombies are not nice
Zombies are vicious
Zombies have head lice
What I’m saying is not fictitious

Zombies lurk in the dark
They creep and they crawl
Waiting for humans to spark
& then they’re ready to brawl!

Now I’ve probably scared you
But all you need to know is this
Zombies will never catch you
If you follow the rules on this list

You need to be able to run
You need to be strong
Only go out if there is sun
Or your life won’t be long!

Always check your locks & backseats
Your bathrooms and stores
Because they can always smell your meat
& if you see one, there’s bound to be more!

These are some of the few rules
You’ll be okay if you’re smart
But some people are just fools
Like this couple walking out from Sunmart

They just got off work
& it’s very, very late
Their love is like fireworks
& decide to celebrate by going on a date

Now, dates are not bad things
It’s just, they forgot the rules
Their romance has pulled some strings
The zombies see their mistake and start to drool

The couple goes into the café
So the zombies decide to trick them out
Some zombies sneak through the back to play
While others wait outside without a doubt

The couple panics!
They flee from the act!
They run to their Ford Classic!
The zombies freak out like maniacs!

The girl is thrown by the boyfriend into the car
The zombie runs right into the closed door!
So he missed out on the girl so far
He was too excited too score!

But the boy can’t seem to open his door
He didn’t read about locks on the list
The zombie is ready to attack for
He knows this time he surely shall not miss

The zombie grabs onto the boy
He rips and he tears
Into his neck like a dog toy
But he gets away and drives far from this nightmare

You may think he is okay,
Boys and girls, you forgot about the venom!
Okay is what he’ll portray
But soon he’ll be what you do not want to become…

A zombie!
One that can’t control his urges
To make people scream
And only death he’ll encourage!

Now that you’ve heard the story
Take time to reflect
Your life doesn’t have to be gory
Just follow the rules and your life shall be set(:

Tired

I'm tired of my life.
tired of school
tired of work
tired of friends
tired out of my mind.

what's wrong with me?

Ryan DeZurik

"I'm at the waters edge

&& I'm gearing closer.

This is where I will be,

Where you can find me."


Every now and then, I think of you. I think of us.
& I cry.

I cry because your life was cut short.
I cry because you deserved so much longer on this earth.
I cry because your family needed more time with you.
I cry because I can't let go.
I cry because I miss you.

I miss you, Ryan.
I, the writer, cannot find words to express how I feel about this.

I just know that I miss you so much, it hurts.

Weird.

I can't believe I
Liked you
You're not my
Type
You're way too
Into yourself

You're always
Right
I'm always
Wrong
You'd mesh well with
Her

You're both
Stubborn
You're both
Hard headed
You're both
Self focused

You'd be good for each other.

Lol, I just can't believe I liked you.

Weird.

Horror story (Expressive Writing)

I can't believe that this is happening.

He is holding on to my hand so tight I feel that it might just be ripped off. But, I just can't seem to make myself look away.

"Come on Syd, we've got to go and we've got to go now!" His voice has turned into panic and he is a mess. I just can't accept what is happening. They're everywhere and they'll soon be after us.


An hour ago, we decided to go out to eat after work. We hadn't eaten out in awhile and we each worked overtime, so we figured why not. We chose a small cafe on Broadway and sat at our window spot. We are the definition of a beautiful couple. We constantly smile at each other and we always hold hands across the table, like those silly 50's couples. While we're finishing our food, we hear a loud bang and look to the counter to find someone who was ordering suddenly collapse on the ground. I begin to get up to help, but he pulls me back, wanting the others around the fallen man to help him out. We continue to watch as the owner tries to help the woman get back up.

As he held out his hand, she leaped forward off the ground and tackled the man. She began to bite his neck and face, ripping apart his cheek and brow. Panic erupts and people scatter. Then others in the back of the cafe are experiencing their loved ones fly across the table and devour strangers.

I just stare. He is pulling my hand, pleading for us to leave. But I just can't move. I stare at the woman who is eating the store owner like he was her dinner. As she rips off his ear, she turns to me and let's out a bone chilling screech and he has thrown me over his shoulder and we are running.

Suddenly, they're everywhere. & they're acting as if they're starving bears.

As we're running to his car, a hungry man has decided that we're good enough and is after us. He quickly goes to my side of the car and throws me inside. I lock the door and the creature runs right into my door. I scream at the top of my lungs, but I feel as if no one can hear me. I look to his side and he can't seem to get his door open. The monster has noticed his dilemma and is now after him. I leap over the seat and try to open the door, but it's randomly stuck. As the door breaks open, he throws himself in, and tries to shut the door. But the monsters arm is inside the car and he is doing whatever he can to get inside to his meal. I feel helpless as he tries to shove the creature out, I hear loud screaming from both of them and I just shut my eyes, hold my head and cry. I don't know what to do. I pass out.

I wake up in his arms and I begin to cry. He holds me close. I have no idea where we are, but we're in a small dark room. He begins to cry with me. I bury my face into his chest and try to forget the horror I had just witnessed. He then takes my chin and lifts my head so I may look him in the face.

"Darling, I'm so sorry." He continues to hold me close and tears stream down his face.
"It's okay, it's all over. It's over." I try to stop my tears, but they just keep coming.
"No, it's not. It's just begun."
I don't understand his words until I see his collar bone. There is a massive bite mark and the veins around it are anything but normal.
"I'm infected."
I can't help my sobs. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.
"Don't worry, we're in a decontamination room and they said they could try and fix me. It might not work, so I asked if I could have some time alone with you." He is trying to hold himself together, but it's not working.
"It has to work. It has too. I love you." Is all that falls out of my mouth.

The doctors come in and decide that it's time. But, behind them is a man with a gun.
"Let's go lady." The man with the gun comes toward me and I panic. He continues to hold me and I hold him with all I have as the man with the gun grabs my sweatshirt. I'm ripped from his arms and thrown into the doctors. As the drag me out of the room, he yells to me that he loves me. I watch the man with the gun load his weapon.
I scream for him and he just cries to me with eyes filled with sorrow.
The man with the gun decides it's time to do his job.
As the doctors finally get me out of the swaying doors, I only hear our screams. The doors begin to sway back and fourth. As the close, I hear the gun shot and I see blood fly out of the glass window at the top of the doors. When they sway open, his body lifelessly falls to the ground. As they shut again, I hear another loud shot.

He is finished.

Mikayla,

I need you to come up here right now.
I need you to tackle me.
I need you to hug me.
I need you to be with me.
I need you to laugh with me.
I need you to cry with me.
I need you.
I need you.
I need you.

Fill me

I thought I had let go
I thought my friends had
Filled me.

I thought wrong.

Depression has come again
Why can't you leave me alone?

But here you are
Seeping into my skin
You're taking over
You're destroying my thoughts

Nothing
Fills me.

I am empty.

Understand

When I write on here, I write how I feel at the moment.
I am completely honest.

The reason to have this blog is to practice how to be more open. I struggle with speaking my mind, so I thought I would start somewhere small.

Friends, I'm sorry if you took the last entry wrong. I was just so frustrated. I thought we would be the group that didn't need any alcohol to have fun, but I was wrong. It's hard for me to realize that we're all growing up and riding our bikes and playing park games is something that we must all grow out of... Right?

I do not think drinking is bad. I just have had countless terrible experiences with drinking and drugs so I usually have a panic attack when put in situations that relate to these things.

I do not think less of people that drink. I love my family & friends to death, it's just drinking is something I do not partake in yet. Or maybe I never will, who knows.

But I need you to realize this,

I am not apologizing for what I have said on my blog.

These are my feelings written down for you to see who I am since I have trouble expressing myself.

The way you take it is up to you.

Pressure

Pressure
I watch them taunt you
They want to see you fall
You're shaking from the
Pressure

You don't have too
You want to belong so badly
You'd do anything for them
You think they're your friends

The shot glass is so full
They say it will be okay
Just one
You just take it all in

It burns all the way down
Go on,
Rush down something else
To try and take away the pain

It won't go away though
Nothing can take away what you've done
Do you feel good now?
Good for you, you now feel like you belong

Everyone decides It's now my turn
Pressure
Pressure
Pressure

I stare at that shot glass
I come up with terrible excuses
You say I don't have too
But you all want to see me fall

You are not my friends
I don't even know you
Do it. Do it. Do it.
Guess what?

I don't have to do a damn thing you tell me too.

I will not cave from this pressure
I know what all of you want from me
& I don't believe it's yours to take
My innocence is not yours

& never will be.

10:03am

I'm intoxicated with your scent

I can't let go.

Your promises

I felt so good when I talked to you
You reminded me that I am beautiful
You're the boy I thought I would always love

You promised we'd do our best to work out
You lied.

You promised we could be together forever
You lied.

You promised you'd always love me
You lied.

I began to build an imaginary world in my head
Of us in our perfect world
Where your lies came true.
You encouraged this world
You kept me from reality

Tonight, I realized what I had done
& I went mad

You lied when you said you loved me.
You just enjoyed the idea of not being alone anymore.
You knew I was easy.
You took advantage of my mind.

How could you do this to me?
You knew what I was doing
You allowed it to happen
I am an innocent little girl
You are a selfish old man

You lied.
You lied.
You lied.

So you know what I did to our world?

I burnt it to the fucking ground.
I drowned all the innocent civilians
I skinned all the animals
I destroyed the cities beauty

I saved your lies for last
I started them all on fire
& watched them burn

It felt so good to say goodbye
It's finally over.
Leave me alone.

This is done.

(:

I love my life.
It's so beautiful.
Thank you, friends.
I've never loved living
Until I met you.






& soon I'll have pictures with Grendel(:

All Hail The Heartbreaker

This song makes me sick on how accurate it is.
I've been through this three times now, and you'd think it would get easier.
But it doesn't.
The more I experience this, the easier it is for me to give up.

I'm not angry.
I'm just hurt.
I guess it's better off this way
I don't want to become wrapped up in someone before I go to cali
Especially since the only relationships I've seen
Destroy everything.


Anyway, here are the lyrics. They're more than perfect.


"I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways
My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your indecisive mind shows me that
You are "just another boy"
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
Maybe then you'd know how I feel

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker"

Cry

Crying is good for your soul
It's letting your mind go
& accepting what has happened

Or it's releasing anger
Clench your teeth girl,
Scream out your pain

Crying is beautiful
Tears stream so perfectly down my face
My dark mask runs with tears

It's a step toward accepting life
The pain might never go away
But after each cry, life seems to get easier

That's what I like to tell myself anyway.

Hello, Perfection

I can tell your interest in me has changed
& friendship is a better thing to strive for

I'm okay with that.

I enjoy your company and our laughs
I see us becoming great friends

I'm okay with that.

I'm not ready for what you'd want from me anyways
I need to spend more time finding myself too

& I'm okay with that(:

California

I'm so terrified
But I'm applying.

I've always been the girl that's afraid to leave her backyard
& Now I might leave for a whole school year

My soul wants to break free
but my heart wants me to stay
Where I'm safe
& accepted

I shouldn't freak out
I mean, I haven't even applied yet.

But I can't breathe when it comes to mind
I wish someone would tell me to stay

But no one cares what I do
That's what really makes me wanna leave
I think maybe when I'm gone
People will maybe actually miss me.

Loved and Lost (Expressive Writing)

My mother tells me the news as if I didn’t even know this boy.
“Your aunt called. Ryan was killed by a drunk driver last night.” My mother’s words were careless. She had no idea that I was still really close with Ryan, even though we didn’t work out as more than friends. I can’t even react. My hands try to cover up my cry, but it seems to slip through my fingers. I fall to the ground, destroyed.

I met Ryan when I was 16. I had never had a boyfriend, let alone meet a boy that even came close to admiring me. But one weekend, I spent the night at my cousin’s house and happened to meet a beautiful boy named Ryan. This boy was flawless. He had a small build and almost looked delicate. His pale skin meshed well with his dimples and flowed so well with his smile. When his eyes met mine, I felt as if I were glowing.

When I headed back home the next day, my phone rang a glorious text message song. It was Ryan asking if I remembered him from the night before. This song would bring me joy for the next few months. We talked about anything and everything, everyday. Our personalities seemed to mesh so well and he was the first and only boy to tell me I was beautiful, inside and out. I told him everything. I fell so hard for a boy that I had only met in the flesh once and I didn’t even care.

Of course, our teenage dream came to reality and we decided that the distance was too much and friendship was a better thing to strive for. Usually this is where the couple breaks off and moves on, but it didn’t work that way for us. We continued to text and call each other, but our talks just did not have the same motivation as before.

I called Ryan whenever I needed him. I called to tell him news of love, sorrow, or just to tell him the new Devil Wears Prada CD was totally kick-ass. I didn’t even realize that Ryan was someone who was always there for me, no matter what. When no one else cared or had time for me, Ryan did.

Some days, I stare at his phone number and just cry. I miss our conversations. I miss our laughs. I miss his encouraging talks to keep going in life because it’s worth the risk of heartache. Without him, I would not have ever learned that it’s okay to love others around you and allowing them to love you is dangerous, but worth the adventure.

The hardest part of Ryan’s death was that life just keeps going. I think about him everyday and I always wonder what he would be up too now. I hate that no one talks about him and I hate that everyone acts like he was never apart of my life just because we only met just one lovely time in person. What about the hundreds of meaning-full text messages, or the hour-long conversations about the little things that meant the world to me? Did those mean absolutely nothing?

I don’t care what they say. I loved Ryan and still do. Not one day will pass without him crossing my thoughts. Even though time continues to drag me forward, my feelings for him will never fade and my heart will always know he is missing.

Dandelion,

I wish I was beautiful
I wish I wasn't fat
I wish I was more coordinated
I wish I looked like her


I wish I was good enough for him.

Blargg

I've got to stop.
I can't believe I got my hopes up this much.
From now on, I'm leaving this alone.

Expressive Writing

As she prepares for her husband to come home, she wonders how long he will stay this time. She longs to hear his voice and feel his touch. Knowing that he might not come is painful, so she tries to distract herself by enjoying the flowers she bougt for him and the food she had prepared.
She suddenly felt cold hands wrap around her and a soft cheek rub against hers.
"Hello, lovely." Her husband whispers. He slowly wraps around her and she allows his cold body to almost be one with hers. She closes her eyes and thanks God for allowing him to come this evening.
"I didn't think you'd come." She whispered.
"He said I would be able to come, just one last time." His voice seemed to drift off on the edge of the sentence. He knew that he had made a mistake by taking his own life. He thought that heaven would be better than the brutality of the human race, but it actually rained in his heaven all day long. He should have trusted his wife to come home to him, but the darkness of his mind took over and destroyed the beauty of his life that he just could not see.
"Please, don't leave me. I am so alone." She held herself close and he tried to wrap himself more tightly around her, but he was loosing spirit and fast.
"Do you love me?" she cried, her tears were falling fast.
"I always have and always will."
He suddenly felt his father calling him back home. He began to slowly unwrap from her warm body and float away. He bent in un-humanly ways to try and stay longer, but he was not in control.
"Happy Birthday." He kissed her goodbye and began to soar back into the sky.
She moans and sobs at her husbands final goodbye and continues to hold her hand out in front of her, begging God to let him come back to her. But there's no such thing as second chances and he is gone away as fast as he had come.

Pardon me, Perfection

"Pardon me for my lack of excitement,
But I’m not entirely thrilled.
Stutter when I talk,
Flail around as I walk,
Yeah the moment’s been killed.

And I’m not good at this no, not all.
I’m not good at this.

I’m a wreck and I know it,
And I tend to show it every chance that I get.
Butterflies in the skies, they just fly on by.
Yeah they’re making me sick.
They don’t flutter about, I’d do without.
All they do is kick.

Mean it truly,
Sincere heart.
Why do you do this to me?
Tear me apart.

It’s my fault and I know it,
And I tend to blow it, no thanks to you.
Its like you sit and you watch me,
You poke and you taunt me, it’s all that you do.
And I’m not fighting that no, not at all.
Just want to be something, a name you call.
The lips you taste just to fall, madly in love.

Mean it truly,
Sincere heart.
Why do you do this to me?
Tear me apart.

I got my eyes set on you,
My heart is burning red.
All of my words come out wrong,
Run circles in my head.
You had me and I melted,
In the palm of your hand.
You know it yes I felt it,
You’ll never understand.

Mean it truly,
Sincere heart.
Why do you do this to me?
Tear me apart."

-he is we

Dear Perfection,

I shouldn't
It would be a mistake to
I think I'm starting to
I just can't control that I
It bothers me that I
I'm going to get hurt because I


Like you.

Depression

I don't know what I want out of my life.

College is not what I expected. I don't enjoy what I'm doing there and I feel like I'm wasting my time and money. Instead of enjoying myself and others around me, I find myself staring at the clock and begging time to make the weekend come faster. I'm trying to hold on and see if it gets better, but I don't know if it will.

I want to leave so bad, but only far enough for you to miss me.
Not that you'd admit it anyways.

No one prepared me for this. I'm so lost and no one cares.

I wish I could shout it out. I wish I could scream to the world that I hate the stereotypical lifestyle. Go to school, go to college, get a job, get married, have children, raise them, & then die.

I want to do something different. No, I do not want to be a pen pusher or teacher. I want to explore, I want to travel, I want to dream my life away. I wish that a space pirate would crash into my yard and send me on a huge adventure to treasure planet.

Maybe someday I'll be ready to fit the mold, but I don't feel like that's anytime soon.
For now, I'll drown in your need for me to be like everyone else and dream of breaking the surface.

Spoken:

I wonder if you're lonesome tonight
You know someone said that the world's a stage
And each must play a part
Fate had me playing in love you as my sweet heart
Act one was when we met, I loved you at first glance
You read your line so cleverly and never missed a cue
Then came act two, you seemed to change and you acted strange
And why I'll never know
Honey, you lied when you said you loved me
And I had no cause to doubt you
But I'd rather go on hearing your lies
Than go on living without you
Now the stage is bare and I'm standing there
With emptiness all around
And if you won't come back to me
Then they can bring the curtain down

-Elvis Presley

blahblahblah

Liking your best friend is not an easy task
Especially when you've done this for three years.
I've finally gotten over you
Only to start liking a new friend

When does this game end?
I'm tired of falling for people I can't have
It's annoying and exhausting.

Blahblahblahblahblah.

That's what people hear when I open my mouth(:

Lost

I try to take off my head sometimes,
because I can't escape the memories.

I haven't lost anything except my mind.

-The Used

Sparkle

The pretty sparkle in my eye,
You stole it.
It was not my decision
I tried to get it back
But you held it tight between your fingers
And carelessly put it in your back pocket

You're different that I expected
I've never had perfection like you in my life
Look at me the way you do
Last night, I decided that I would give you a chance
I told my heart that maybe someone like you
Could actually admire someone like me

& then I saw you early the next morning
You were in a character I did not expect
Careless and in my face
The sparkle in your pocket didn't matter to you anymore
In fact, I'm pretty sure you fell on it a few times
As I left the scene, the words you said were the ones ringing in my ears

I'm trying to let this go
It wasn't you talking to me
It was the drink of the night life
But I don't know if I'll ever look at you the same
I'll try to ignore my heart and pretend that nothing happened
But I can't forget.

I wish

I wish I could just let it go

But I can't.

I wish I wasn't disappointed

But I am.

Happy

I haven't been this happy for a long time
When I walk
When I talk
When I sing
When I dance
It's out of pure joy
It's coming from within
I can't figure it out
Maybe I should
Maybe I shouldn't

For now, I'll just smile up a storm underneath my rainbow umbrella(::

I'm in love with life.

New Post!

1.
I'm now in love with youtube.
2.
I'm pretty sure my crush on you is gone.
3.
I miss my sister.
4.
I should probably be doing homework.
5.
I love you five.

sometimes

I truly worry about myself.
I was supposed to start my homework @ seven.
Instead, I decided to clean and re-arrange my room.
I just finished.
I'm supposed to read 5 chapters of a book for tomorrow.
I have a paper due tomorrow.
I have @least four hours of homework due for wednesday.
Siiiiiiiiigh.

Rain. rain.
Stay the day.
And make me a thunderstorm big enough to cancel classes.

Photographs

It's midnight
I begin to wander
& I stumble across your photographs
You're happy
Carefree and so gorgeous
You were almost mine once
The thoughts of us make me smile
You were thee very first boy to call me beautiful
Even though we didn't work out,
We became great friends
Best person to play 20 questions with?
Ryan DeZurik(:

Then I start to read the comments:
"I miss you! R.I.P."
"Ryan, I hope you're loving heaven!"
"Dude, I miss you."
"Love you bro, see you soon!!"

Sadness fills.
I had forgotten.

I hate seeing those comments.
I can't just write 'I miss you' because it's not enough.
Missing someone shouldn't hurt like this.
I hate how I feel.
I can't let go.
I think of that drunk driver often.

Forgive and forget?

Never.

I hate

I hate that you always have to be right.
I hate that you're good at everything.
I hate that you're so competitive.
I hate how you have to prove me wrong.
I hate how you pick on me.
I hate how you call me out on my stupidity.
I hate your style.
I hate your stupid hats.
I hate how cute your right front tooth is.
I hate how you fit in with my friends.
I hate how you're nice to everyone, even if you don't like them.
I hate the way you talk to me.
I hate how I catch you staring.
I hate how you're probably acting.
But worst of all,
I hate how I can't hate you.
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Friday

Tomorrow is friday.
Which means Grendel is leaving.

It sucks because we didn't really hang out a whole lot this summer
But every time we did, it was something new, fun, and carefree
No matter what, we can always start right where we left off
Even if we don't see each other for weeks
It doesn't matter
We mesh like blue and yellow
B.e.a.utiful.

Pretty girl, you're going to have so much fun in the cities!
You're going to fit right in
You belong in a city
Don't be afraid, just breathe
Inspire others and let others inspire you
Let go and be free
But don't forget where your home is

We'll always be here for you(:

Don't rip too many arms off without me!

I think of you everyday

The wind through my hair
The sun on my skin
The keys against my finger tips
You always seem to slip into my thoughts

I miss what we had. It was so simple
But you've moved on
I don't blame you, I'm a mess

Maybe someday we'll make our way back to each other.

Maybe not.

Maybe the dude at Spicy Pie will snatch me first(:

I love you, Gene

He's the closest thing I have to a grandpa
He's always been so sweet
He's the definition of kindness

He is what every man should want to be
A hard worker who never gives up
Loving his beautiful wife and family with his whole heart
Everything I long for my husband to be like

Even though I'm not fully apart of his family
He's always had open arms for me
Knowing I might not ever see him in the flesh again is
Painful

Through all the deaths and goodbye's I've been through
This is different
I look up to him so much
He deserves more time

I deserve more time with him.

All I can do is pray that Wednesday will be successful.
Please God, give him the wonderful gift of time that all of us take for granted.

Butterflies in the sky, they're making me sick.

Crushcrushcrushcrushcrushcrushcrushcrush.

I want someone to crush on.

I'm trying

I'm trying to stay positive
But you've shoved weights into my heart
Destroyed,
I wait for the removal process
Empty faces pass me by
I wait alone
music plays though some wire
It's little comfort, but it's enough
When does this feeling go away?
Life isn't waiting for me
Everyone is moving forward
I can't seem to take that first step
I want to join my carefree friends,
but what-ifs haunt my soul

Meeting someone new is a beautiful distraction
Until you realize it's only the role they play
I don't mind, I should just start accepting less
But my heart won't quit

It finds joy in today
It tries to yell
But comes out as a whisper:
Don't give up, you've only just started
It's going to get a lot worse before it get's better
Someone new might have answers
Tear down your walls, allow people to love you
But also love yourself
Keep waiting for the truth
You are beautiful, just not to the human eye
I'm always here, reminding you to let go
He would have wanted this for you.

College

is over rated.
Seriously, some of the people I've seen at orientation have proven to me that anyone can go to college.
Or maybe I just won't see them @ the end of the year.
Or maybe they won't see me.

Summer

This summer was unexpected.

Randomly, I'm insecure about my friends and what they really think of me.
I never used to be like this. I used to be fun and crazy and I never cared what people thought of me. But this summer, my confidence has gone down the tube. I don't believe any complement & I worry constantly about what my friends think of me. The only reason that I can think of to somehow justify my behavior is that school is coming up. I'm so worried to loose my friends. I have thee greatest friends in the world. To lose them would be unbearable.
I wish I could tell them how I feel.
I wish they could understand how deeply I care about them.

But since I have been so insecure, I've been a lot quieter. Which means I've gotten to know people more because I'm not hogging the conversation. Shutting your mouth really opens your world to amazingly amazing new ideas and opinion on everything.

This summer has also sadly cut some major communication lines with my mother.
I used to be able to tell my mom everything. I don't know why, but I feel like she now dislikes me. I can barely look at her without her twitching with anger. I disappointed her with my lack of responsibility for taking care of the house and for not knowing what I want out of my life.
I'm tired of playing mom when you're not around. I know it's selfish, but I wanted a break. Jeffrey and Thea do not do anything and I wanted to give them a taste of what it was like to be me around here. But sadly, the house is now always a disaster because no one is around playing mom anymore because you're always working and I'm always gone. & I'm sorry that I don't know where I'm going with my life. I just want to move out so you don't have to look at me anymore. Your glances make me want to die.
Being at home is too painful. My heart is in agony and dwelling in the past.

Mom,
I'm sorry.

Friends,
I'm determined to be what you're dying to see. That, or I might risk loosing all of you.

I'm loosing my mind.

Enjoy the show.

Truth never set me free

I am so lost.
Trapped alone in my own world.
I can't escape my sorrow.

I've changed so much.
I've locked myself inside.
No one needs to know.

I'll pretend I'm okay.
After all, I've done it my whole life.

Being crippled

Really sucks.
I can't run.
I can't jump.
I can't walk... Normal.

I really wanna play a massive game of kickball too!

):

Yesterday,

Remember when I said that I loved someone else?

I lied.

Moments like these

I remember that I am so naive
Thinking that everything has a happy ending
It would have never worked
But I just was so blind by my emptiness

You're not the one for me, and never will be.

I shall stop my thoughts from being consumed of you
And focus what I have in front of me

I've never noticed how much I love someone else until now

I'm moving on.

So,

I've taken a lot of pictures this summer.
A lot.
But, I think I've found my summer favorite.




Love ya, Grendel(:

America

I love you
You are my shelter
You allow me to be free

I know you have secrets
But then again
So do we

You are so beautiful
With lovely lakes
& Monstrous mountains

While I fire off fireworks
and limp away
I shall think of you

Thank you
for everything
I love living here