glue

sir,
i can't even talk to you
but you sure have a lung full toward me.

i'm sorry that you hate me so much.
but do you really have a right?
you don't know a thing about me.

the longest conversation i have had with you
has been
how are you, goodbye.

do you know that my favorite color is blue?
that singing brings me real joy?
or that sunshine makes me smile?

no. you know
nothing
about me.

instead, you have angry eyes
or don't even give me the decency to
look at me at all.

i'll never understand what it is that i have done
or that your family has done
to make you hate so much.

how desperately lonely it must be to live inside your skin.

hate makes the living hollow
and easily breakable.

oh,
how ridiculous to know
that
the most perfect strangers can sometimes live in the same house.

a-8-twelve.

i feel
empty
all the time
and it's hard for you to understand.
because i am able to
function in a normal manner
smiles and all
but i'm
so lonely
so alone
and the worst part of it all
is i have no reason to be this way.
i have been gifted with many things
and i have great friends
it's just a constant battle i fight
everyday.
but in the end, i always end up
feeling this way.
frustrating. frustrating.
i just don't know where to go from here.
God is too busy
and i have nothing to really say to a mentor
because i look foolish compared to others
nothing is wrong
but everything is wrong
so so wrong.

running

i'm running.
i don't know where i'm going, but
i'm running.
with every step i take, i am letting go just a little bit more.
running away
from us.
who knows where i'll end up.
but i have a feeling that
one day, someday,
i'll run right back into you.
into us.

3 a.m.

fingers running through my hair, i'm laying in the darkness trying to fall asleep. but sleep has not been coming easily to me in the past few weeks.
until after a very odd event which occurred to me last night.
here's the story.

it's three in the morning and i'm just laying there. can't sleep, tossing and turning when all of a sudden i hear a very loud
thump.
i shoot up in the air, forgetting that the top bunk dips low, smacking my head on it's large red bars.
"ahhh! who's there?!" i say, rubbing my forehead.
i can hear shuffling, like whoever is there is panicing that they're caught. i crawl out of bed and bump the light.
right in front of me is a 7 ft. tall, multicolored yeti.
i am taken aback, but i try not to be rude. i simply bow my head and say
"hi."
"hello." he responds, in a very deep voice. we just stare at each other for awhile. I hate staring, so i break the silence.
"i hate to be rude sir, but i was wondering what you're doing in a place like, erm, well, my bedroom. and especially at three in the morning, clearly uninvited?"
he looks down at his feet and begins to scratch his head shyly. he is clearly embarrassed.
"well miss, i am really quite sorry. i didn't mean to be so loud and i surely didn't mean to wake you."
"oh, don't worry about that," i say "i can't sleep anyway. but you've yet to answer exactly why you're here. in my room."
"oh right. yeah." he fumbles, finally making eye contact again. "i'm afraid i can't tell you."
"oh. well that's quite unfortunate." i sigh, "because i'm quite curious."
"i'm sorry again miss, but i really must go."
"alright! well, um, thanks for stopping in!" i open my bedroom door and gesture to lead him out. i offer him some tea or hot kool-aid, but he says he is allergic to human food.
he then bids me adieu and heads out the front door into the city of fargo/moorhead.

i then go back downstairs to my room and cuddle up in my blankets and surprisingly fall right to sleep.

so the reason i wasn't sleeping was because my sleeping energy was off, which meant there was a yeti stuck in a portal above my room.
clogged portals are really loud to your subconscious mind, you know.



....i've gone mad.

I'M BAAACK!

so i wanted to start writing again, but i forgot the freaking password to this blog.
which caused me to make this blog! http://meepsydney.blogspot.com/

it's got some pretty awesome stuff on there.

but i think this is where i'll stay. it's my home! all my other writing is on here and it's just more convenient.

so tada(:

i'm back.

<3

i'm repeating my same mistakes

it's hard dealing with death
and the acceptance of it

so i choose not to deal with it
and not to accept it

it's crazy, i know
but i lie to myself.

no one understands what i'm going through
yeah, i understand you lost your grandma too

i know that all grandparents die
and that they're just old and it's going to happen

but i didn't just loose my grandma
i lost one of my greatest friends

i told her so much
we shared so many great memories

she made me happy
& happiness is sometimes very hard for me to find

but it came naturally with her
i couldn't help but to smile when i was with her

but i regret so much.

i regret not visiting more
not being there when she fell
not being there when she was in the hospital
not visiting her everyday in the nursing home
not accepting that she was dying
not going to be with her while she passed
ignoring everything while it was happening

i regret it so much.
i regret not accepting that i was never going to see her again

so i bury it

deep within my soul

& i don't accept that she's gone
because i just can't

i'm repeating my same mistakes

& it's nights like these
when i lie awake, staring at my ceiling
hating myself

I'm pathetic.

Simple Words

'I want you to know that no matter what you do I will never be disappointed in you."