persevere

my alarm has been blasting for about a half hour now. i've been in California for about two weeks and none of the 12 places i've applied to have responded. knotting my hair and staring at the ceiling, my best friend barges through my door.
"you need to get up."
why is what i mouth, but nothing falls out.
"because you can't give up. this is your dream."

i roll out onto the hardwood floors. they're warm, unlike the ones in minnesota. Coming here to escape the below zero days and below average test scores would have been a wonderful idea, if i could stay inspired.

"did we make a mistake?"
"of course not!" my purple-headed cheer leader screams. "you're going to find someone to design for & i'll find a studio to work in. get yourself together and let's get going." she walks over to my unpacked suitcase and rummages through. i know what she's looking for. i should have burned those saturday shirts a long time ago. she finds the beauty and throws it at me.
great.
i'm totally going to get a job in this walmart keepsake.

I throw my hair into a braid and put on my wonderful catshirt, which matches Lacey. hers is a green tie-dye, with a cat head the size of the whole fricken shirt. While mine on the other hand is a purple tie-dye, with a cat digging in a fishbowl. we'll definitely turn heads.

walking out of the apartment, i remember why i came here. the sight of buildings touching the sky creates a smile that spreads across my face. i can do this. we can do this. we can make it in LA.




stay tuned. xo

stuck

i am
stuck
on these little
things that have never gotten in my way
until now.
i've just been
pushing them
to the side.

telling myself that it's
no big deal
to get over it
and to just
keep going.

well, now everything has caught up on me.

i'm sad. and sadness is something that has always been temporary for me. 10 minutes at a time, and then i'm okay again.

but lately i've been waking up sad.
this is very hard for me.
i am the queen of happiness. you give me a situation, and i'll make it scream unicorns by the time i'm through with it.
so why is a girl like
me
waking up
sad?

why am i breaking down so easily?

everything makes me cry. think i'm joking? the katy perry documentary struck me down. an older customer with a life story brought me to tears. random acts of kindness have made me cry. i cried after my first photoshoot, upset that my pictures might be garbage.

what is wrong with me?

me. that's what's wrong with me.
i am the problem.

i am being too hard on myself. i am a good photographer and a great designer! but the weight of becoming who i am meant to be is frightening. i have to grow up when this year is over. i have to get a job and take on life, and i'm scared.
people are asking me to take their picture, and i'm terrified! what if i'm not good enough? what if they don't like my stuff?
but i need to let that go. i am who i am. not everyone is going to like my designs or pictures, and that's okay! it's life. i am still a great person and a great artist.


i have also been stuck on people. i am really hurt over things that people have done or how have people have treated me, lately, and in my past. 'friends',xboyfriend, family, people that have burned me.
i've stopped hanging out with my friends out of fear that they might hurt me. or i might hurt them.
but that is going to happen all my life. people are going to stomp on you, lie to you, and hurt you. should that stop me from moving forward?
no.
i need to learn to love again. let go of all the hurt and pain my past has given to me and look to the love that is in my future. i have a great group of friends and family, and i need to start acknowledging them more.

i can't do this alone.
it's going to take some serious prayer and comfort from all the kitty cats that have stuck around through all the hard times.

that's you, reading this right now.
thank you for everything you've done for me. even if was just something simple, like making me laugh. or if you've pulled a lacey and have bought me cute little trinkets or cards, thank you! you keep me going, keep me motivated, and keep me inspired.

thank you/thank you.


i am who i am today because of you.
xo

not just girls, boys too.

"girls we do whatever it will take
cause girls don't want,
we don't want our hearts to break in two.
so its better to be fake.
cant risk loosing in love again, babe."

-Marina and the Diamonds

different

you sit there
high and mighty
judging everyone who

looks
a little different than
you
acts
a little different than
you
believes things
a little different than
you

is
different
from
you.

get over yourself.

i don't agree with most,
but i embrace who they are.

& people may look different on the outside than you,
but they wouldn't if they didn't have a soul to claim as their own on the inside.

embrace what makes you uncomfortable.

life is too short to live with your nose up in the air.

running in love

running.
it's something everyone should be familiar with.
even if you haven't ran in years, it's a feeling you can recall.
breathless.
just out of breath on a full fledged sprint.
out of breath.
yes.
that's how i feel when i think about you.
that's how i feel when i think about love.
is that what love is?
maybe. maybe not.

i guess i may never know.

but when i think about us
together,
that's what i am.
breathless.

fun.

fun
[fuhn]
noun
1.
something that provides mirth or amusement.

breaking up
getting back together,
drama upon everything you do,
i'm glad you're having fun.

trying to look better than him
pretending like everything is fine
laughing at everything that's not funny,
i'm glad you're having fun.

nothing to on a beautiful saturday,
so you smoke all of your weed
and stare at the ceiling all day.
i'm glad you guys are having fun.

judging everyone that walks by
or is even a little bit different than you.
everything you say is right.
i'm glad you're having fun.

giving yourself so easily away
and then crying because he's with
someone else.
quickly bouncing back for the next fling,
i'm glad you're having fun.

having sex with him
and then him.
and then let's see how this one works out,
i'm glad you're having fun.

wanting more people to like you
so you sell who you are
for only a few moments of noise.
i'm glad you're having fun.

working all day
and then sleeping the rest of your life away,
while your children swing and play
refusing to seek help, but
i'm glad you're having fun.


this is what surrounds me.
i am not better than all of you,
no.
i am not.

i am just filled with sorrow,
because i love you.

but i'm watching all of you drown.

your fun is sinking my soul.
& i just don't know how to handle that.

love

from her
to her

from him
to him

people just
using
each other.

"i have to figure out what i like or who i'm looking for."

how can you know what you're looking for when you don't even fully know who you are?

wasting time
on someone temporary
does not make sense.

saying that you love them
is a lie.

it can't be love
it just can't.

what happened to love based on fairy tales?

their love is forever
beautiful
magical
wonderful
peaceful
ever lasting.

no,
what you people have is not love.
you are not in love.

i will choose forever alone
over wasting time.

but i believe that my fairy tale is out there.
trust & patience will bring us together.

heartache awaits the rest of you.