stuck

i am
stuck
on these little
things that have never gotten in my way
until now.
i've just been
pushing them
to the side.

telling myself that it's
no big deal
to get over it
and to just
keep going.

well, now everything has caught up on me.

i'm sad. and sadness is something that has always been temporary for me. 10 minutes at a time, and then i'm okay again.

but lately i've been waking up sad.
this is very hard for me.
i am the queen of happiness. you give me a situation, and i'll make it scream unicorns by the time i'm through with it.
so why is a girl like
me
waking up
sad?

why am i breaking down so easily?

everything makes me cry. think i'm joking? the katy perry documentary struck me down. an older customer with a life story brought me to tears. random acts of kindness have made me cry. i cried after my first photoshoot, upset that my pictures might be garbage.

what is wrong with me?

me. that's what's wrong with me.
i am the problem.

i am being too hard on myself. i am a good photographer and a great designer! but the weight of becoming who i am meant to be is frightening. i have to grow up when this year is over. i have to get a job and take on life, and i'm scared.
people are asking me to take their picture, and i'm terrified! what if i'm not good enough? what if they don't like my stuff?
but i need to let that go. i am who i am. not everyone is going to like my designs or pictures, and that's okay! it's life. i am still a great person and a great artist.


i have also been stuck on people. i am really hurt over things that people have done or how have people have treated me, lately, and in my past. 'friends',xboyfriend, family, people that have burned me.
i've stopped hanging out with my friends out of fear that they might hurt me. or i might hurt them.
but that is going to happen all my life. people are going to stomp on you, lie to you, and hurt you. should that stop me from moving forward?
no.
i need to learn to love again. let go of all the hurt and pain my past has given to me and look to the love that is in my future. i have a great group of friends and family, and i need to start acknowledging them more.

i can't do this alone.
it's going to take some serious prayer and comfort from all the kitty cats that have stuck around through all the hard times.

that's you, reading this right now.
thank you for everything you've done for me. even if was just something simple, like making me laugh. or if you've pulled a lacey and have bought me cute little trinkets or cards, thank you! you keep me going, keep me motivated, and keep me inspired.

thank you/thank you.


i am who i am today because of you.
xo