I'm really tired

I'm tired of school.
I procrastinate like it's my job and I just don't care. I don't care if I fail class, I don't care if I never go back, I just don't care.
Maybe I'd care if someone else did.
But no one does, so why should I?

I'm tired of being bored.
There is nothing to do. It's too cold outside to run or ride bike. There is nothing to do outside and it's killing me. I miss summer and I miss hanging out all the time with fun people.

I'm tired of wondering if you're my friends.
Do you really care for us or are we just a show for you? You never call or text wanting to hang out. Is it because you dislike us or is it because you're too old for us now? Is it because it's winter and there is nothing to do or is it because we're just a summer get away? Are you wanting to hang out but are too busy with school or do you not wanna hang out because we no longer share the same interests?
These questions drive me insane.

I'm tired of hating myself.
It's not my looks anymore, it's just who I am. I'm trying to change and become a person who doesn't care what people think and just can have fun, but it's so hard. I've been an outcast before and I never wanna go there again. I've began to be consumed with who everyone wants me to be instead of who I really am. I need to let go and love myself, but it's just easier than it sounds.

I'm tired of saying I'm tired when I'm just really unhappy.

I miss my grandma.
Not a day goes by where I don't hurt thinking about her.
I miss being with you guys.
I want us to be friends, but do you want it too?
I miss summer,
Where everything was okay.

I'm just so internally unhappy that nothing brings me joy accept for the five cats who have never left my side.
True Friends and Jesus, bro.

Jesus, take the wheel!
Heb. 13:5- Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have; for he has said, "I will never fail you nor forsake you."

New words to cling too? I'm thinking yes.

sweet words

Jesus replied, "You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will." - John 13:7 ♥

Love

Love is a choice. & I feel that our generation just isn’t capable of making the choice because we have so many more options now to make running away

Easy.

I know I should have more faith,

But I am just going by what I have seen

Love to me just doesn’t exist anymore.

If you disagree, I understand.

You’re so much more hopeful than I am.

Deep down, I pray that it may still be out there

Waiting for me.

But for now, I’m going to live doubting it

Until someone changes my mind.

Birthday

Ryan DeZurik.
Today is your birthday.
&
'I'm at the waters edge.
This is where I will be,
Where you can find me.'

Whenever I miss you,
More than I can bare,
I blast our song.

I get lost,
I drown out my mind,
& I meet you there.

I'm still unable to let go of you.

The lyrics also say
'Troubled boy
I'll kiss you one last time
& say goodnight
Forever.'

Well, I'm not ready to do that yet.
So this melody will continue to ring in my ear.




I miss you ryan.

Dear nudee,

One of the hardest things to do
Is watch someone you care about

Destroy their life.

You try so hard to gather your words
& lay them out so perfectly,

Only for them to not listen to you.

Then the yelling begins,
Screaming might help break through some wise words.

But it only makes it worse.

"You don't belong here,
I hate you."

You'd do anything for them,
Just to watch them walk away.

But no matter how many times you walk away, I'll always be here.

I love you.
& I hope you never forget that.

Kills me

Through terrible news
Comes my panic attack.
I can't breathe,
& I need someone.

So I ran to you.
I burst through your door,
Ran into your room,
To find you buried into your blankets.

I pleaded to you,
I told you what had happened.
You said,
I know.

You also say;
I need to be alone.
& I'm going through a lot.
Just leave me be.

I say;
Brother,
I need you.
Please, just let me be with you.

You say;
Go away.
Come back later.
I'll call you
Later.

You never called.

"Go away. Come back later. I'll call you later."

Those words kill me.
You kill me.

I am your sister.
I have always been there for you.
Even when you walked away,
I stayed right where you left me.

I've been your solid ground.
Your sanctuary.
Your sister.
Your friend.

I'd do anything for you,
& you told me you'd call me
Later.

& that kills me.

3:36 AM

Looking through
Our pictures
Remembering our
Fun times
Laughing at some
Rolling eyes at the others
Best friends for so long
& then we just
Grew apart.

Everything you do makes me angry.
Every comment
Every like
Every time I even see your picture pop up,
I just cringe.
Remembering
Everything that I did for you
I worked hard in our friendship
& you just focused on yourself.

Typical you.
I was just too blinded by my love for you to see it.
But not anymore.

We'll always be friends
But you're no longer my best.

I wonder if you feel the same.

Lol, clearly you do.

The only times I hear from you are
When you want something.
& when you don't get what you want,
You are an asshole.

But you've always been an asshole.
I'm just now on the other end.
How I got here,
I'll never understand.

Goodbye will do

Letting go of you feels
Amazing.
I'm glad you deleted me.

I never realized until now how terrible you were for me until now.
You manipulated me and took advantage of me when it was convenient for you.
Why did I allow you to do this?

I'm better than the shit you put me through.

But I'm not going to dwell on this any longer
I'm moving forward
& Loving my life

My family
My friends
& music keeps me alive

Not you any longer.

Delete

You
Deleted me.

Does that mean
You've forgotten about me?

About all the talks
The laughs and cries

The secrets we shared
The world we created

All of that was real

But
You deleted me.

I guess

If it's better for you,
Than it's better for me.

Too fast

I always do this
With my crazzy imagination.

I meet someone who is
Amazing

& I immediately run
With the idea

That everything will fall together
Perfectly.

I have it all play out in my head
In a perfect lovely world.

I always get the real world mixed in
With my stories that play out in my head.

Blegh.
Lame.

I need to stay focused.
I need to stay gold.

Focus on what I really want,
Which is a new me.

But I don't wanna change to make you notice me.

I wanna change
For me.

Word of advice

Never change for anyone.

Change for yourself,

Or your change will never last.

crushcrushcrushcrushcrush//

When I'm around you, I feel
Wonderful.

All I wanna do is talk to you
& soak in your smile.
I've got butterflies exploding out my ears.
& When I am with you,
I feel like everyone can tell that
I'm glowing.

I love your style
Your crazy hair and sunglasses
& your unhealthy habit.
Ugh,
It's ridiculous,
How you make me feel.

I want you to
Want me.

But I don't
Because I'm scared out of my mind
Could I ever open my heart to you?
Would you be someone who would want to
Deal with my crazy beautiful life?
Because the others weren't capable.

They ran.
Or they ignored what was real.
I can't have that,
I need someone who doesn't mind
Or is able to understand
& able to help me through

But when I think about being with you,
I don't even worry about you not being understanding.
All I can see is your smile carrying me through those difficult times.

& I smile because
I want to be with you
I want to hear your stories
I want to listen to your likes and dislikes
I want to feel your heart
I want to hear your dreams.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see where this goes.
Am I getting my hopes up too early?

Probably. Oops.