more

i'm so desperate
for something
more
than this place.

high school clingers and rednecks.

driving with my friends around town
loosing myself out the window
wondering
hoping
is this really all there is?

empty buildings and sugar coated people.

no,
i can't stay
no,
hornbachers will not steal my soul
no,
my family will not hold me down.
no,
not again.

mental hospital visits and unknown guests sleeping on the couch.

there has to be more.

my temporary friends have already forgotten about me,
and my puppy has passed on.
no, there is nothing here for me anymore.

ten o'clock curfews and college alcoholics.

there just has to be more.
somewhere out there,
there's more.
i know just know it.
there's more.

time to pour out my brain.

everyone has gone home for the evening. i finally finished all the sweeping and moping, and now all i have to do is
wait.
yes, wait until the clock ticks 10.
because you never know who might need a half pound of chicken breast or a pound of potato salad.
inhale. exhale.
as each minute passes by, i think of everything i've accomplished in my 9 1/2 hour day. i think about what i'll probably be doing tomorrow on my next 9 1/2 adventure.
tick tick. my life slowly passing me by.
and then suddenly i hear a loud thud.
i almost jump right out of my socks. i turn swiftly to the spot my ears have directed me, where the location of the thump could have come from. i make two heavy blinks and decide that i'm just exhausted. that nothing happened, or could have happened. especially since my ears have guided me to the freezer, which hasn't been occupied in about 2 hours.
thump. thump.
what could possibly be happening in there?
thump thump thump.
i feel like one of those stupid kids in the scary movies that go off on their own and get killed, but i can't help it. it's not like i can just ignore it.
i reach forward to touch the freezer handle. it's extremely cold surface sends chills up my spine. as i clamp down on the handle, the hot and cold air mesh, making it hard for me to see. i slowly walk inside as the heavy door shuts behind me before i can turn on the light.
thump. the loudest one of them all releases a squeal from my insides.
suddenly, the lights turn on, but not as they normally do. they shine as bright as a nuclear explosion, causing me to shield my eyes with my right hand and back away, pressing myself against the back of the freezer door.
then, it's blocked and all i can see is..
the 7 ft tall multi colored yeti.
"good evening, madam." he says kindly, in his deep voice.
"hello." is all i can say.
as we stand there and stare at each other, the lights slowly dim to an adjustable light. i am able to put my hand to my side and stand awkwardly between mr. yeti and the door.
he finally breaks the silence and says, "i don't mean to be rude, sydney. but i have a lot of work to get done. so if you'd please.." he points to the door behind me.
"oh, of course! i am very sorry." i apologize, "i'll let you get back to your, uhm, project. could you maybe keep quiet in here though?" i whisper. i don't know how the other employees would handle such a big, multi colored, time traveling yeti.
"oh yes. i'm terribly sorry. have a good evening." he rushes his words as he basically pushes me out of the freezer.
"alrighty then." i say, and turn around toward the clock.


it's now 10 p.m..
and it's time for me to go home.

self destruct

it's difficult to watch someone
destroy themself.
to witness them become someone
you know they're not.
self inflicted harm and drug use.
as little tikes,
none of this was in our adventures.
none of this was in our dreams.
but i guess neither was growing up.
everything was perfect.
and now it's time to
self destruct
3. 2. 1.

glue

sir,
i can't even talk to you
but you sure have a lung full toward me.

i'm sorry that you hate me so much.
but do you really have a right?
you don't know a thing about me.

the longest conversation i have had with you
has been
how are you, goodbye.

do you know that my favorite color is blue?
that singing brings me real joy?
or that sunshine makes me smile?

no. you know
nothing
about me.

instead, you have angry eyes
or don't even give me the decency to
look at me at all.

i'll never understand what it is that i have done
or that your family has done
to make you hate so much.

how desperately lonely it must be to live inside your skin.

hate makes the living hollow
and easily breakable.

oh,
how ridiculous to know
that
the most perfect strangers can sometimes live in the same house.

a-8-twelve.

i feel
empty
all the time
and it's hard for you to understand.
because i am able to
function in a normal manner
smiles and all
but i'm
so lonely
so alone
and the worst part of it all
is i have no reason to be this way.
i have been gifted with many things
and i have great friends
it's just a constant battle i fight
everyday.
but in the end, i always end up
feeling this way.
frustrating. frustrating.
i just don't know where to go from here.
God is too busy
and i have nothing to really say to a mentor
because i look foolish compared to others
nothing is wrong
but everything is wrong
so so wrong.

running

i'm running.
i don't know where i'm going, but
i'm running.
with every step i take, i am letting go just a little bit more.
running away
from us.
who knows where i'll end up.
but i have a feeling that
one day, someday,
i'll run right back into you.
into us.

3 a.m.

fingers running through my hair, i'm laying in the darkness trying to fall asleep. but sleep has not been coming easily to me in the past few weeks.
until after a very odd event which occurred to me last night.
here's the story.

it's three in the morning and i'm just laying there. can't sleep, tossing and turning when all of a sudden i hear a very loud
thump.
i shoot up in the air, forgetting that the top bunk dips low, smacking my head on it's large red bars.
"ahhh! who's there?!" i say, rubbing my forehead.
i can hear shuffling, like whoever is there is panicing that they're caught. i crawl out of bed and bump the light.
right in front of me is a 7 ft. tall, multicolored yeti.
i am taken aback, but i try not to be rude. i simply bow my head and say
"hi."
"hello." he responds, in a very deep voice. we just stare at each other for awhile. I hate staring, so i break the silence.
"i hate to be rude sir, but i was wondering what you're doing in a place like, erm, well, my bedroom. and especially at three in the morning, clearly uninvited?"
he looks down at his feet and begins to scratch his head shyly. he is clearly embarrassed.
"well miss, i am really quite sorry. i didn't mean to be so loud and i surely didn't mean to wake you."
"oh, don't worry about that," i say "i can't sleep anyway. but you've yet to answer exactly why you're here. in my room."
"oh right. yeah." he fumbles, finally making eye contact again. "i'm afraid i can't tell you."
"oh. well that's quite unfortunate." i sigh, "because i'm quite curious."
"i'm sorry again miss, but i really must go."
"alright! well, um, thanks for stopping in!" i open my bedroom door and gesture to lead him out. i offer him some tea or hot kool-aid, but he says he is allergic to human food.
he then bids me adieu and heads out the front door into the city of fargo/moorhead.

i then go back downstairs to my room and cuddle up in my blankets and surprisingly fall right to sleep.

so the reason i wasn't sleeping was because my sleeping energy was off, which meant there was a yeti stuck in a portal above my room.
clogged portals are really loud to your subconscious mind, you know.



....i've gone mad.