city buzz

it's
morning
and all i want to hear
is the hum of the city.
the
restless and lonely
wandering the concreate
playground
letting their dreams guide
them to their destiny.
yes,
i belong with the helpless
because only fools dream
of flying
instead of
gravity.

friends

i had
forgotten
what it was like
to have music blasting
through the stereo
pumping into my veins
surrounded by
carefree, broken souls
singing with their entire heart.
windows down
wind kissing every single strand
of hair upon my head
i had forgotten
what it was like
to have
friends.

graduation is creeping in

i've decided to
stay
because i want to
listen carefully
&
take seriously
what God has
planned for me.

but
it begins now.
the
wanderlust.

deep inside,
i can feel it.
a silenced
excitement,
like
waiting in the closet
@ a surprise birthday party.

is it my
unsatisfied
sinful
nature?
or is my soul calling for
my distant lover?

i've never been so lost.

but the world is my ispy book
& it's almost time
to seek
& find.

-13

have you ever played
break the ice?
you have your little green hammer
tap tap
against those sweet plastic
hollow
squares
tap tap tap
such a solid form
until just one block is
tapped out
what happens then?
they all become loose
one by one
they fall out.

that's what my life feels like right now
one thing after another
loosening the rest of my world
waiting for one more thing
to go wrong

i'm all alone
in the middle
of all this
plastic
ice

where do i go from here?
how do i begin to put my ice block back together?
because i honestly have no idea
where to start
or how to begin.

but i better figure it out
because life is moving
a trillion miles an hour
and it
doesn't wait for
anyone

and i can't afford to be
 left behind. 
never again.

i won't give up

my life
is going
one trillion miles an hour

and all of these
obstacles are being
hurled at me

but i will not give up.

everything is changing
very quickly 
and life doesn't slow down for anyone.

but i will not just lay down and die.

my health may be poor
my financial state may be defeating
and the people around me might loose themselves

but i refuse to sink.

i will fight to become as healthy as i can
i will push myself to balance school and work
and i will strive to be the anchor that holds everyone down

i am strong. i can do this.
adapt or die, correct?

3 months and i'll be a different woman
with different plans
and i'll have a completely different life.

wow, do i love the sound of that.

fault

i have this
fault
that started when
i was a little girl.

i watched these
wonderful
films
about happy endings.

and i wanted one
so badly.
so i began to dream,
dream of my happy ending.

but then i started getting older
and my dream became dim
because really,
who would want to be with me?

the dream to be a pretty wife
and mother withered away
i became a girl which portrayed
someone who wanted you to back off

i developed a front
that i'm okay on my own
and that i don't need a man,
i can do this on my own.

but underneath that layer
is the little girl
on the couch
watching disney films.

and that little girl is still dreaming
but no one is aware.
i haven't let her go.
because i desperately want her dreams to come true.

i am a foolish adult.

yes,
i am a foolish adult
keeping a little girl locked up inside
hopelessly waiting for her prince charming.

it's my biggest fault.
expecting him to just
show up
and sweep me off my feet.

yes, it's my greatest fault.

Fear

i have this
fear
that i'm too
odd
for people.

even though
you're all
strange
as well

i become
scared
that i'm just too
different

and that i just might
not
ever
fit in

i mean,
i do have
great
friends

and they
accept me
for who i present
myself to be

but i still
hide
beneath my
skin

afraid.

i never
let them
close enough to
see underneath

fear is what
keeps people
from loving
me.

why do i
do this
to
myself?

i'll never know.
but
exposing my
heart

will take
much
much
practice. 

but i'm willing to learn.

i want to learn.
i want to learn.

& then my heart
whispers
just don't get
burned.