surfs up!

"you have got to be kidding me." my mouth dropped as we pulled up to the final destination of our date night. sunset beach.
i am in my converse & a light blue sundress & he expects me to get on a surf board with him?
aaron jumped out of his door and slammed it shut before i could refuse this last piece. whipping out his board from under the tarp in the trucks bed, he then walked to my side and began to tap lightly on the window of my door. i can't look at him. this is ridiculous.
i am the lead cellist in the university of hawaii's orchestra. i should be practicing. i should be writing. i should be composing. yet here i sit, in a light blue pick up with a gorgeous army rat tapping on my window to get on a surf board with him. i should have stayed home.
what am i doing.
he finally opens my door and outstretches is free arm toward me.
"please jane. from the moment i met you, this is the piece of hawaii i've wanted to give you. please." his big green eyes were filling with adventure and hope. there was no way i could steal that shade of joy from him.
i lean forward and begin to untie my sneakers. as i take off my shoes and put my socks in them, a smile so huge stretches across his face, i feel as though he may burst into wondrous laughter. i jump out, close the door behind me, and take his hand.

we walk a ways into the water and he lifts me up onto his bright yellow board. my dress floats on the surface of the water around me. thankfully i am self conscious enough that i would never wear anything like this without shorts and a cami underneath. without warning, aaron throws himself on the board, pulls me right up against him, and then begins maneuver us out to sea. 

the breeze is glorious. it is nothing compared to the thick lake air back home in minnesota. it's rich and with every breath i take, i feel more alive. the colors of the day ending dance across the horizon and beautiful melodies enter my mind. my hair is dancing in the breeze, and with every breath aaron takes, i can almost feel the bow of my instrument running across four carefully tuned strings to describe the millions of emotions running through my veins.
i have never done anything as adventurous as this.

he finally is content with how far away we are from the sand and he stops paddling. the salty waves surround us and overtake the horizon. i look around and we are not alone out here. surrounding us at a comfortable distance are other surfers, relaxing and taking in the sunset.
"this is beautiful." i whisper. the song pochahontas sings to john smith on their first encounter (the colors of the wind) is the only way i can describe this moment. but even that isn't enough. orange, blue, yellow, pink, and even a shade of purple fill the light clouds and the perfect sun. i can hear thousands of melodies pounding with my heart in my chest at the beauty surrounding me.

 "you are beautiful. and everything you are and can create is beautiful." he shakes his head and then stares back at me. "it's more than beautiful. gah jane, it's spectacular what beauty you can create with strings. but you're always stuck in that studio apartment and you never see what hawaii has waiting for you... deep within the people here and the colors in the waves... and the sweetness of the fruits..." he takes my fragile hand with his rough hand and with the other, points to the horizon.
"and if you don't take these moments to capture the music, they will fade. and we will never hear what you have to give." i turned around and a light shade of blue had replaced the phenomenon that just occured. all of that breathtaking beauty had faded.

he was right. and for once, i had no smart reply toward him. no witty comeback, no smart-ass remark. nothing. i just looked up at him, eyes welling with tears, and kissed his full lips.

"thank you." i breathed as i pulled away, gazing into his deep green eyes. 
and with that, he gave me a smile that made me light headed & we started back to shore. this time, there was no way i was going to even try to predict what could be next. and that was becoming the best part about my stay here in the aloha state.

selfish

i'm the
selfish
one here.

afraid
to be
uncomfortable

so what
if i can't
participate?

i should
just
try

resolutions
for the new
year

are
very
lame.

but how about
a simple
goal.

to quit
secluding
myself

and
reach
out instead.

to quit being
afraid
of people

and embrace
the loneliness
we all carry

it's time to
share the
load

it's time to let go
of the
past

and embrace
the
future.

what do you title a post like this?

all of yourvanities
have made me
exhausted.

& i have nothing to
say
anymore.

because you have
nothing
of
value
to say anymore.

your words are
empty
and will be
forgotten.

sorry
if i'm
being
rude.

i'm just frustrated
with how all of you are
becoming the same person.

talking about the same things
wearing the same things
doing the same things.

i remember how
alive
i felt with all of you

everything was
magic
and all of us were
invincible

we used to live for
something
stand for
something

but it's all gone now
and you're all empty hearts
swallowing up souls along the way
trying to
drag
them down with your
substances and sorrow

this is why i've faded away from
all of
you.
from
us.

because you've lost yourselves in your vanities.
& i just can't give up
i can't give in.

i'm sorry i refuse to take part.
i would just rather be alone.

sorry for (not) party rocking.

bouncing

i have so much
bouncing
around
in my
head

but words just
can't seem
to find
my
f
i
n
g
e
r
t
i
p
s
.

can't sleep

when i
can't
sleep
i stare into the darkness
and listen to the sounds of this old house.

i enjoy the quiet
noise
that interrupts my breathing.

but what i love most
are the car lights
that
inhale the
secrets
of my darkness
through my small window
and
fade away
into the night.

defeated

i am
defeated.
yes,
defeated.

something has come over my bones
swelling and muscular pain
everywhere

toes
feet
ankles
knees
hips
fingers
wrists
neck

everywhere.
 
2 doctor visits
blood samples
//
reveal nothing

i am
defeated.
yes,
defeated.

it's painful to get up
to comb my own hair
to open doors
to walk
to put on socks
to put on my coat
to stand
to carry trays
to bag groceries
to draw or type

to have a positive attitude.
to live.

i am
defeated.
yes,
defeated.

where do i go from here?


do i go back to the doctor?
only for them to once again
prescribe a pill that does
nothing
and tell me it's just a
virus.
while my feet and ankles become
balloons.

i am defeated.
yes,
defeated.

my mom suggested that maybe
God is trying to
show me
something
or
i am being
tested
by
God.

well,
I'm
failing.

i have
little
faith.

& i'm sorry.
 
defeated.
yes.
yes.
defeated. 

you're quite handsome

yes.
you're quite handsome.

there is just something about the way
you
present
yourself.

it could just be the glasses
or wonderful smile,
but honestly
i think it's something
much
much
deeper
than looks.

yes, they play a part

but there is something pulling me from
underneath
your looks.

our hearts are
similar
in the way they are
longing for
something

or should i say
someone.

and that is what i need
i need someone who is
thirsty
for something
more
than this life.

i need someone who
has compassion for
what is
real
and not
for what is
temporary.


i need
genuine.
i need
compassion.
i need
my savior.

and i can see him bursting through you.

and that,
my love,
is what makes you handsome.
that marvelous heart that beats beneath your chest
pounding for more than earthly existence.