defeated

i am
defeated.
yes,
defeated.

something has come over my bones
swelling and muscular pain
everywhere

toes
feet
ankles
knees
hips
fingers
wrists
neck

everywhere.
 
2 doctor visits
blood samples
//
reveal nothing

i am
defeated.
yes,
defeated.

it's painful to get up
to comb my own hair
to open doors
to walk
to put on socks
to put on my coat
to stand
to carry trays
to bag groceries
to draw or type

to have a positive attitude.
to live.

i am
defeated.
yes,
defeated.

where do i go from here?


do i go back to the doctor?
only for them to once again
prescribe a pill that does
nothing
and tell me it's just a
virus.
while my feet and ankles become
balloons.

i am defeated.
yes,
defeated.

my mom suggested that maybe
God is trying to
show me
something
or
i am being
tested
by
God.

well,
I'm
failing.

i have
little
faith.

& i'm sorry.
 
defeated.
yes.
yes.
defeated.