can't sleep

when i
can't
sleep
i stare into the darkness
and listen to the sounds of this old house.

i enjoy the quiet
noise
that interrupts my breathing.

but what i love most
are the car lights
that
inhale the
secrets
of my darkness
through my small window
and
fade away
into the night.

defeated

i am
defeated.
yes,
defeated.

something has come over my bones
swelling and muscular pain
everywhere

toes
feet
ankles
knees
hips
fingers
wrists
neck

everywhere.
 
2 doctor visits
blood samples
//
reveal nothing

i am
defeated.
yes,
defeated.

it's painful to get up
to comb my own hair
to open doors
to walk
to put on socks
to put on my coat
to stand
to carry trays
to bag groceries
to draw or type

to have a positive attitude.
to live.

i am
defeated.
yes,
defeated.

where do i go from here?


do i go back to the doctor?
only for them to once again
prescribe a pill that does
nothing
and tell me it's just a
virus.
while my feet and ankles become
balloons.

i am defeated.
yes,
defeated.

my mom suggested that maybe
God is trying to
show me
something
or
i am being
tested
by
God.

well,
I'm
failing.

i have
little
faith.

& i'm sorry.
 
defeated.
yes.
yes.
defeated. 

you're quite handsome

yes.
you're quite handsome.

there is just something about the way
you
present
yourself.

it could just be the glasses
or wonderful smile,
but honestly
i think it's something
much
much
deeper
than looks.

yes, they play a part

but there is something pulling me from
underneath
your looks.

our hearts are
similar
in the way they are
longing for
something

or should i say
someone.

and that is what i need
i need someone who is
thirsty
for something
more
than this life.

i need someone who
has compassion for
what is
real
and not
for what is
temporary.


i need
genuine.
i need
compassion.
i need
my savior.

and i can see him bursting through you.

and that,
my love,
is what makes you handsome.
that marvelous heart that beats beneath your chest
pounding for more than earthly existence.

frustrating

it's
frustrating
to work
two
jobs
have school
full time
with a constant flow of
projects
& have all of this
expected
of me.

when you only work
one
job
and pay only
one
bill
and put your life on
hold
whenever is convenient
for you
while everyone else picks up
your slack.

i know i will be
better off,
but in the mean time
it's just
frustrating
to watch you
do nothing
and go
nowhere
when i can't even find time to
breathe.

why is it

why is it
that
people you love
hate
themselves.

and all they see is
failure
and all you see is
beauty

they have so much potential
but they just
let it
slide off their finger tips

but grasp
drugs and alcohol for comfort
instead of the people
that have always been there

and will always be
there
oh you, i miss us
and the innocence we possessed

but now it's gone
and mary jane is your best
but girl,
i hope you never forget me.

forget us
the sweetness we had in our skin
now corrupted by the world and it's
darkness

love allows you to allow love to
run you over and over again
you'd think i'd learn my lesson
and just let you go

but i am your real sister
and i will lay here
on the cold concrete
and wait for you to get out of the car

i'm not leaving
pinky swear
i'm right where you left me.
get out of the car.

cards and coffee//pt. 2 of LA series

walking down the streets of LA, i am lost within the people and architecture of the city.
i can make it in this city.
we can make it in this city.

the first half of the day lacey and i spent wandering and applying for jobs in art studios, photography studios, and with design agencies too. lacey was interviewed on the spot at her first studio stop, but she decided that we should browse a little longer before she should settle. they said she had caught their eye with her purple hair and cat shirt.
those shirts are so ugly, they're magic.
i dropped off my business card along with a miniature piece of my work with each of the places we stopped. some looked very promising, which brought comfort to my soul.

on our way back from our job hunt, we decided that we needed a break from walking and stopped by a small coffee shop. as we walked inside, the sweet aroma of coffee beans filled the air. it was a wonderful break from the dirty city air outside. as the two of us waited in line, lacey asked how many business cards and miniature pieces of my work i had left. but as i pulled them out of my bag to count them, one of the coffee house workers slammed into lacey who then slammed into me.

coffee and cards flew into the air as she and i were thrown into the ground. a roar of laughter came from our lungs.

but the coffee house worker did not think we were very funny. the muscular bearded man grabbed each of our arms and heaved us up off of the floor, mumbling some rude slander about tourists.
"sorry man." lacey laughed as she began to pat down her now dusty black jeans.
"whatever, crayon." he sighed and stormed off.

trying to hold our laughter in as best we could, we quickly spun around and burst out of the store, leaving my cards and work stuck to the wet, coffee stained floor.

Don't wake me up// my remix

so much has changed for me in this past year.
for the best.
& one of the best ways to describe what has happened to me is through song.
so i took a secular song and revamped it to truth.

don't wake me up by chris brown is now
please wake me up--->lyrics by me.

enjoy.
xo

_____________

i see light in my window,
come wake me up.
i've been stuck for so long now,
i can't get up.
but then i hear you whisper,
sayin my name.
you put your hand on my heart,
i'm lifted up.

come wake me up.
come wake me up.
you woke me up.
i'm alive.

you can mold me and make me,
i am your clay.
& you'll keep me forever,
your love won't fade.
but when i fall away from
your perfect grace,
you never hold it to me,
my sins erased.

you woke me up.
you woke me up.
you woke me up.

i don't want to fall back asleep,
i just want to dance at your feet.

come wake me up,
you've woke me up.
_____________