his perspective

i saw you
sneak up the stairs
in this twin home
full of absent minded lovers.
yes,
i saw you.

you waited for a moment
when you thought
they wouldn't notice
but i did
i saw you.

you crept around
broken bottles
and summer skin
and stole my heart
as you stole their liquor

and then
you saw
me
studying you
that glance burned a hole
right through this thick skin of mine
and beamed right through my
soul.

& as quickly as the burn scarred me
you were gone
and i was up as quickly as
thunder follows a lightning bolt
striking a powerline

i met you at the stairs
breathless
i questioned
"what are you doing?"

she froze
and her blue hollow gaze
met my hazel eyes
& she choked
"suffering."

her quiver brought a hurricane
within my heart
and her tear filled eyes
filled my lungs

i saw her
as she was
and her brokenness made me whole

"don't go"
i managed to breathe
but as quickly as she had stolen my heart and liquor
she was gone
locked away in her suffering.

i saw you
yes,
i saw you
for who you really were
a broken girl
who i am now
desperately in love with.

124

I've carried
all of your hearts
& souls
for 22
years.

your laughter
gave me dimples
& your tears
are my birthmarks
but
your chosen destruction
has given me
cancer.

I've known
for years that the chemo
could cure me
but I've been afraid to let you go.

Finally, my body
began to
shu t
dow  n .

In my desperation
my Father heard my cry &
decided it was time to let you go.

He pried open my
ribcage,
& like caged sparrows,
all of your hearts
now roam free from me.

I know it's best
but even though I am healed
I still am soar
& ache for you.

My hair has fallen out
& my weight has dropped.

But my Father
knows best
& as He sews me shut
He whispers softly
"I found thee,
thou art Mine."

& I am  f r e e .

forget me

i miss you
or who we were
you're gone
moved on
forgotten
so quickly & easily about me
it's fine
sometimes
until i realize
you're gone

i wish you could know
how it is for me now.

they won't hang out with me
anymore
never call
never call
never call

they've forgotten.

what a privilege
you all have.

forgetting.
moving on.

but how am i to forget
those summer nights
with my lungs filled with our innocence
as the warm air untangles my hair

were we never friends at all?
how could you forget those nights?
they echo in my heart
like your laugh
and your lemon scented perfume.

here come the tears again

make it stop
stop
stop

but they never do.

why am i not good enough for you?

do you miss me?
or just the company?


i can't thin k  straight.

how could
all of you
forget me?

sometimes
it's hard just to
exist
because
all of you
act like i never have.


i'm sorry
forgive me
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
what did i do to deserve this?
i'm sorry
so sorry
forget me
please don't
remember me
forget me.
forget it.

I Am

i know who You are
ever since i can remember
You've been there
with me
everywhere i go
even when i denied You
& ran away from home
You
never
ran away from me

now
through many tears and trials
i've finally taken a step back
and looked at who You
really are

through the troubles of this world
You are still
the great
I am.

I am amazed
thrilled
curious
terrified
and in
complete awe
by You

a constant roller coaster
of discovering
who You really
are
& who i really am

but through the
infinite battle
to not fall away
from You again

i've fallen
completely 
in love
with everything
You
are

never let me go.

wings

i have this
itch
on the back of my
shoulders

i've been trying to ignore it
but you didn't call
and they
hang out without me

so this itch
i've been scratching
& it's keeping me
awake

i'm sleeping more
but i'm not tired
drawing more
but i'm not inspired

unhappy

but tonight
i am drowning
on the thought
that you decided to hate me

so in rage
i began to itch
and scratch
at the back of my shoulders

only to realize
why i've been bothered
because underneath my skin
feathers are growing

my soul is a bird
but i caged it within me
i was afraid that the world would
try to take it from me

but

a soul is not meant to be caged
it needs endless
saturdays and a summer-time kiss
with extra sprinkles and a side of uncontrollable laughter

so my soul is fighting back
and is giving me what i need
wings to fly away
from people who always leave

forever more

something you said
tonight
will ring in my ears
forever more.

you didn't lecture me
didn't judge
didn't pry.

but you sang 4 words
so sweetly
that i'm surprised the whole bar
didn't stop and stare
& marvel at your inner beauty.

i hope you're happy. oh, i really do hope you're happy.

so often we're quick to judge
and wish the worst upon each other.

but for someone
to genuinely wish
happiness upon you
is pure magic.

feels like 2 degrees

as the gray daysfill my eyes
and the leaves
hopelessly wander across the road
i remember that we are in a
season of change.

nothing is permanent.
time is short
and i need to make the most of it.

i need to make the most of this.

cracked

you tripped me
but i've slipped through your fingers
and cracked my head
on the thought of you.

now you're seeping into my skull
& taking over my thoughts.

your words were sweet to the touch
and now they're burning into my skin
why can't i just let this go?
you only tripped me to catch me.
you only tripped me to catch me.

purple

i'm awake
at 2:52
because
i know that
i'll never find
meet
see
laugh with
be with
anyone
like you
again.

you were a shooting star
you blew right through my heart
and that space you left
makes me whole

you'll be with me
until the day i breathe my final breath.
you're a summers sky. you're infinite. you're forever.

you're gone. 

these rainy days

these rainy days
make me
wonder
about you.

i think about how
sweet
it will be to wake up to your
kisses
your heartbeat
raging against mine
to feel your
marvelous
warm hands
press into my soft skin.

as we lay close in these blankets
i take in lungfuls of your scent
one hand upon your unshaved cheek
one hand intertwined with your fingers
with rings binding us together
forever.

yes.
on these rainy days i
wonder
about you.

all that i know

all that i know
is that you're fine without me
the spark in your eyes
is hollow and empty

so go on,
fill your soul
with dark things
and laughter.

fill out that paper work
for becoming the empty
the doctors will encourage,
say that it's healthy.

& as you fade into the crowd
please remember me
us
we

if it hurts, let it
can't take it?
then fake it.

force a smile when you finally
read the fine print.
& don't forget to blame me
for the things i can't change.

summer has given up

the cold air
presses against my lips
as the wind roars
among the tree tops.

the leaves dance as they
free fall from their everlasting branches
and fade away into the
dark sky.

as my hair is combed
by the cool night air
goosebumps crawl up my spine
and my eyes begin to water.

the smell of this air
the stiffness in my bones
the sound of the cold
summer has given up.

stardust

i want to
fall
into the sky
float on
& sink into the unknown starline.
fade away,
one molecule at a time.
seep into the universe
& inhale the stardust.
i am not of this world
gravity, let it go.
gravity, let me go.

city buzz

it's
morning
and all i want to hear
is the hum of the city.
the
restless and lonely
wandering the concreate
playground
letting their dreams guide
them to their destiny.
yes,
i belong with the helpless
because only fools dream
of flying
instead of
gravity.

friends

i had
forgotten
what it was like
to have music blasting
through the stereo
pumping into my veins
surrounded by
carefree, broken souls
singing with their entire heart.
windows down
wind kissing every single strand
of hair upon my head
i had forgotten
what it was like
to have
friends.

graduation is creeping in

i've decided to
stay
because i want to
listen carefully
&
take seriously
what God has
planned for me.

but
it begins now.
the
wanderlust.

deep inside,
i can feel it.
a silenced
excitement,
like
waiting in the closet
@ a surprise birthday party.

is it my
unsatisfied
sinful
nature?
or is my soul calling for
my distant lover?

i've never been so lost.

but the world is my ispy book
& it's almost time
to seek
& find.

-13

have you ever played
break the ice?
you have your little green hammer
tap tap
against those sweet plastic
hollow
squares
tap tap tap
such a solid form
until just one block is
tapped out
what happens then?
they all become loose
one by one
they fall out.

that's what my life feels like right now
one thing after another
loosening the rest of my world
waiting for one more thing
to go wrong

i'm all alone
in the middle
of all this
plastic
ice

where do i go from here?
how do i begin to put my ice block back together?
because i honestly have no idea
where to start
or how to begin.

but i better figure it out
because life is moving
a trillion miles an hour
and it
doesn't wait for
anyone

and i can't afford to be
 left behind. 
never again.

i won't give up

my life
is going
one trillion miles an hour

and all of these
obstacles are being
hurled at me

but i will not give up.

everything is changing
very quickly 
and life doesn't slow down for anyone.

but i will not just lay down and die.

my health may be poor
my financial state may be defeating
and the people around me might loose themselves

but i refuse to sink.

i will fight to become as healthy as i can
i will push myself to balance school and work
and i will strive to be the anchor that holds everyone down

i am strong. i can do this.
adapt or die, correct?

3 months and i'll be a different woman
with different plans
and i'll have a completely different life.

wow, do i love the sound of that.

fault

i have this
fault
that started when
i was a little girl.

i watched these
wonderful
films
about happy endings.

and i wanted one
so badly.
so i began to dream,
dream of my happy ending.

but then i started getting older
and my dream became dim
because really,
who would want to be with me?

the dream to be a pretty wife
and mother withered away
i became a girl which portrayed
someone who wanted you to back off

i developed a front
that i'm okay on my own
and that i don't need a man,
i can do this on my own.

but underneath that layer
is the little girl
on the couch
watching disney films.

and that little girl is still dreaming
but no one is aware.
i haven't let her go.
because i desperately want her dreams to come true.

i am a foolish adult.

yes,
i am a foolish adult
keeping a little girl locked up inside
hopelessly waiting for her prince charming.

it's my biggest fault.
expecting him to just
show up
and sweep me off my feet.

yes, it's my greatest fault.

Fear

i have this
fear
that i'm too
odd
for people.

even though
you're all
strange
as well

i become
scared
that i'm just too
different

and that i just might
not
ever
fit in

i mean,
i do have
great
friends

and they
accept me
for who i present
myself to be

but i still
hide
beneath my
skin

afraid.

i never
let them
close enough to
see underneath

fear is what
keeps people
from loving
me.

why do i
do this
to
myself?

i'll never know.
but
exposing my
heart

will take
much
much
practice. 

but i'm willing to learn.

i want to learn.
i want to learn.

& then my heart
whispers
just don't get
burned.