I think of you everyday

The wind through my hair
The sun on my skin
The keys against my finger tips
You always seem to slip into my thoughts

I miss what we had. It was so simple
But you've moved on
I don't blame you, I'm a mess

Maybe someday we'll make our way back to each other.

Maybe not.

Maybe the dude at Spicy Pie will snatch me first(:

I love you, Gene

He's the closest thing I have to a grandpa
He's always been so sweet
He's the definition of kindness

He is what every man should want to be
A hard worker who never gives up
Loving his beautiful wife and family with his whole heart
Everything I long for my husband to be like

Even though I'm not fully apart of his family
He's always had open arms for me
Knowing I might not ever see him in the flesh again is
Painful

Through all the deaths and goodbye's I've been through
This is different
I look up to him so much
He deserves more time

I deserve more time with him.

All I can do is pray that Wednesday will be successful.
Please God, give him the wonderful gift of time that all of us take for granted.

Butterflies in the sky, they're making me sick.

Crushcrushcrushcrushcrushcrushcrushcrush.

I want someone to crush on.

I'm trying

I'm trying to stay positive
But you've shoved weights into my heart
Destroyed,
I wait for the removal process
Empty faces pass me by
I wait alone
music plays though some wire
It's little comfort, but it's enough
When does this feeling go away?
Life isn't waiting for me
Everyone is moving forward
I can't seem to take that first step
I want to join my carefree friends,
but what-ifs haunt my soul

Meeting someone new is a beautiful distraction
Until you realize it's only the role they play
I don't mind, I should just start accepting less
But my heart won't quit

It finds joy in today
It tries to yell
But comes out as a whisper:
Don't give up, you've only just started
It's going to get a lot worse before it get's better
Someone new might have answers
Tear down your walls, allow people to love you
But also love yourself
Keep waiting for the truth
You are beautiful, just not to the human eye
I'm always here, reminding you to let go
He would have wanted this for you.

College

is over rated.
Seriously, some of the people I've seen at orientation have proven to me that anyone can go to college.
Or maybe I just won't see them @ the end of the year.
Or maybe they won't see me.

Summer

This summer was unexpected.

Randomly, I'm insecure about my friends and what they really think of me.
I never used to be like this. I used to be fun and crazy and I never cared what people thought of me. But this summer, my confidence has gone down the tube. I don't believe any complement & I worry constantly about what my friends think of me. The only reason that I can think of to somehow justify my behavior is that school is coming up. I'm so worried to loose my friends. I have thee greatest friends in the world. To lose them would be unbearable.
I wish I could tell them how I feel.
I wish they could understand how deeply I care about them.

But since I have been so insecure, I've been a lot quieter. Which means I've gotten to know people more because I'm not hogging the conversation. Shutting your mouth really opens your world to amazingly amazing new ideas and opinion on everything.

This summer has also sadly cut some major communication lines with my mother.
I used to be able to tell my mom everything. I don't know why, but I feel like she now dislikes me. I can barely look at her without her twitching with anger. I disappointed her with my lack of responsibility for taking care of the house and for not knowing what I want out of my life.
I'm tired of playing mom when you're not around. I know it's selfish, but I wanted a break. Jeffrey and Thea do not do anything and I wanted to give them a taste of what it was like to be me around here. But sadly, the house is now always a disaster because no one is around playing mom anymore because you're always working and I'm always gone. & I'm sorry that I don't know where I'm going with my life. I just want to move out so you don't have to look at me anymore. Your glances make me want to die.
Being at home is too painful. My heart is in agony and dwelling in the past.

Mom,
I'm sorry.

Friends,
I'm determined to be what you're dying to see. That, or I might risk loosing all of you.

I'm loosing my mind.

Enjoy the show.