fault

i have this
fault
that started when
i was a little girl.

i watched these
wonderful
films
about happy endings.

and i wanted one
so badly.
so i began to dream,
dream of my happy ending.

but then i started getting older
and my dream became dim
because really,
who would want to be with me?

the dream to be a pretty wife
and mother withered away
i became a girl which portrayed
someone who wanted you to back off

i developed a front
that i'm okay on my own
and that i don't need a man,
i can do this on my own.

but underneath that layer
is the little girl
on the couch
watching disney films.

and that little girl is still dreaming
but no one is aware.
i haven't let her go.
because i desperately want her dreams to come true.

i am a foolish adult.

yes,
i am a foolish adult
keeping a little girl locked up inside
hopelessly waiting for her prince charming.

it's my biggest fault.
expecting him to just
show up
and sweep me off my feet.

yes, it's my greatest fault.

Fear

i have this
fear
that i'm too
odd
for people.

even though
you're all
strange
as well

i become
scared
that i'm just too
different

and that i just might
not
ever
fit in

i mean,
i do have
great
friends

and they
accept me
for who i present
myself to be

but i still
hide
beneath my
skin

afraid.

i never
let them
close enough to
see underneath

fear is what
keeps people
from loving
me.

why do i
do this
to
myself?

i'll never know.
but
exposing my
heart

will take
much
much
practice. 

but i'm willing to learn.

i want to learn.
i want to learn.

& then my heart
whispers
just don't get
burned.

surfs up!

"you have got to be kidding me." my mouth dropped as we pulled up to the final destination of our date night. sunset beach.
i am in my converse & a light blue sundress & he expects me to get on a surf board with him?
aaron jumped out of his door and slammed it shut before i could refuse this last piece. whipping out his board from under the tarp in the trucks bed, he then walked to my side and began to tap lightly on the window of my door. i can't look at him. this is ridiculous.
i am the lead cellist in the university of hawaii's orchestra. i should be practicing. i should be writing. i should be composing. yet here i sit, in a light blue pick up with a gorgeous army rat tapping on my window to get on a surf board with him. i should have stayed home.
what am i doing.
he finally opens my door and outstretches is free arm toward me.
"please jane. from the moment i met you, this is the piece of hawaii i've wanted to give you. please." his big green eyes were filling with adventure and hope. there was no way i could steal that shade of joy from him.
i lean forward and begin to untie my sneakers. as i take off my shoes and put my socks in them, a smile so huge stretches across his face, i feel as though he may burst into wondrous laughter. i jump out, close the door behind me, and take his hand.

we walk a ways into the water and he lifts me up onto his bright yellow board. my dress floats on the surface of the water around me. thankfully i am self conscious enough that i would never wear anything like this without shorts and a cami underneath. without warning, aaron throws himself on the board, pulls me right up against him, and then begins maneuver us out to sea. 

the breeze is glorious. it is nothing compared to the thick lake air back home in minnesota. it's rich and with every breath i take, i feel more alive. the colors of the day ending dance across the horizon and beautiful melodies enter my mind. my hair is dancing in the breeze, and with every breath aaron takes, i can almost feel the bow of my instrument running across four carefully tuned strings to describe the millions of emotions running through my veins.
i have never done anything as adventurous as this.

he finally is content with how far away we are from the sand and he stops paddling. the salty waves surround us and overtake the horizon. i look around and we are not alone out here. surrounding us at a comfortable distance are other surfers, relaxing and taking in the sunset.
"this is beautiful." i whisper. the song pochahontas sings to john smith on their first encounter (the colors of the wind) is the only way i can describe this moment. but even that isn't enough. orange, blue, yellow, pink, and even a shade of purple fill the light clouds and the perfect sun. i can hear thousands of melodies pounding with my heart in my chest at the beauty surrounding me.

 "you are beautiful. and everything you are and can create is beautiful." he shakes his head and then stares back at me. "it's more than beautiful. gah jane, it's spectacular what beauty you can create with strings. but you're always stuck in that studio apartment and you never see what hawaii has waiting for you... deep within the people here and the colors in the waves... and the sweetness of the fruits..." he takes my fragile hand with his rough hand and with the other, points to the horizon.
"and if you don't take these moments to capture the music, they will fade. and we will never hear what you have to give." i turned around and a light shade of blue had replaced the phenomenon that just occured. all of that breathtaking beauty had faded.

he was right. and for once, i had no smart reply toward him. no witty comeback, no smart-ass remark. nothing. i just looked up at him, eyes welling with tears, and kissed his full lips.

"thank you." i breathed as i pulled away, gazing into his deep green eyes. 
and with that, he gave me a smile that made me light headed & we started back to shore. this time, there was no way i was going to even try to predict what could be next. and that was becoming the best part about my stay here in the aloha state.

selfish

i'm the
selfish
one here.

afraid
to be
uncomfortable

so what
if i can't
participate?

i should
just
try

resolutions
for the new
year

are
very
lame.

but how about
a simple
goal.

to quit
secluding
myself

and
reach
out instead.

to quit being
afraid
of people

and embrace
the loneliness
we all carry

it's time to
share the
load

it's time to let go
of the
past

and embrace
the
future.