forever more

something you said
tonight
will ring in my ears
forever more.

you didn't lecture me
didn't judge
didn't pry.

but you sang 4 words
so sweetly
that i'm surprised the whole bar
didn't stop and stare
& marvel at your inner beauty.

i hope you're happy. oh, i really do hope you're happy.

so often we're quick to judge
and wish the worst upon each other.

but for someone
to genuinely wish
happiness upon you
is pure magic.

feels like 2 degrees

as the gray daysfill my eyes
and the leaves
hopelessly wander across the road
i remember that we are in a
season of change.

nothing is permanent.
time is short
and i need to make the most of it.

i need to make the most of this.

cracked

you tripped me
but i've slipped through your fingers
and cracked my head
on the thought of you.

now you're seeping into my skull
& taking over my thoughts.

your words were sweet to the touch
and now they're burning into my skin
why can't i just let this go?
you only tripped me to catch me.
you only tripped me to catch me.

purple

i'm awake
at 2:52
because
i know that
i'll never find
meet
see
laugh with
be with
anyone
like you
again.

you were a shooting star
you blew right through my heart
and that space you left
makes me whole

you'll be with me
until the day i breathe my final breath.
you're a summers sky. you're infinite. you're forever.

you're gone. 

these rainy days

these rainy days
make me
wonder
about you.

i think about how
sweet
it will be to wake up to your
kisses
your heartbeat
raging against mine
to feel your
marvelous
warm hands
press into my soft skin.

as we lay close in these blankets
i take in lungfuls of your scent
one hand upon your unshaved cheek
one hand intertwined with your fingers
with rings binding us together
forever.

yes.
on these rainy days i
wonder
about you.

all that i know

all that i know
is that you're fine without me
the spark in your eyes
is hollow and empty

so go on,
fill your soul
with dark things
and laughter.

fill out that paper work
for becoming the empty
the doctors will encourage,
say that it's healthy.

& as you fade into the crowd
please remember me
us
we

if it hurts, let it
can't take it?
then fake it.

force a smile when you finally
read the fine print.
& don't forget to blame me
for the things i can't change.

summer has given up

the cold air
presses against my lips
as the wind roars
among the tree tops.

the leaves dance as they
free fall from their everlasting branches
and fade away into the
dark sky.

as my hair is combed
by the cool night air
goosebumps crawl up my spine
and my eyes begin to water.

the smell of this air
the stiffness in my bones
the sound of the cold
summer has given up.

stardust

i want to
fall
into the sky
float on
& sink into the unknown starline.
fade away,
one molecule at a time.
seep into the universe
& inhale the stardust.
i am not of this world
gravity, let it go.
gravity, let me go.

city buzz

it's
morning
and all i want to hear
is the hum of the city.
the
restless and lonely
wandering the concreate
playground
letting their dreams guide
them to their destiny.
yes,
i belong with the helpless
because only fools dream
of flying
instead of
gravity.

friends

i had
forgotten
what it was like
to have music blasting
through the stereo
pumping into my veins
surrounded by
carefree, broken souls
singing with their entire heart.
windows down
wind kissing every single strand
of hair upon my head
i had forgotten
what it was like
to have
friends.

graduation is creeping in

i've decided to
stay
because i want to
listen carefully
&
take seriously
what God has
planned for me.

but
it begins now.
the
wanderlust.

deep inside,
i can feel it.
a silenced
excitement,
like
waiting in the closet
@ a surprise birthday party.

is it my
unsatisfied
sinful
nature?
or is my soul calling for
my distant lover?

i've never been so lost.

but the world is my ispy book
& it's almost time
to seek
& find.

-13

have you ever played
break the ice?
you have your little green hammer
tap tap
against those sweet plastic
hollow
squares
tap tap tap
such a solid form
until just one block is
tapped out
what happens then?
they all become loose
one by one
they fall out.

that's what my life feels like right now
one thing after another
loosening the rest of my world
waiting for one more thing
to go wrong

i'm all alone
in the middle
of all this
plastic
ice

where do i go from here?
how do i begin to put my ice block back together?
because i honestly have no idea
where to start
or how to begin.

but i better figure it out
because life is moving
a trillion miles an hour
and it
doesn't wait for
anyone

and i can't afford to be
 left behind. 
never again.

i won't give up

my life
is going
one trillion miles an hour

and all of these
obstacles are being
hurled at me

but i will not give up.

everything is changing
very quickly 
and life doesn't slow down for anyone.

but i will not just lay down and die.

my health may be poor
my financial state may be defeating
and the people around me might loose themselves

but i refuse to sink.

i will fight to become as healthy as i can
i will push myself to balance school and work
and i will strive to be the anchor that holds everyone down

i am strong. i can do this.
adapt or die, correct?

3 months and i'll be a different woman
with different plans
and i'll have a completely different life.

wow, do i love the sound of that.

fault

i have this
fault
that started when
i was a little girl.

i watched these
wonderful
films
about happy endings.

and i wanted one
so badly.
so i began to dream,
dream of my happy ending.

but then i started getting older
and my dream became dim
because really,
who would want to be with me?

the dream to be a pretty wife
and mother withered away
i became a girl which portrayed
someone who wanted you to back off

i developed a front
that i'm okay on my own
and that i don't need a man,
i can do this on my own.

but underneath that layer
is the little girl
on the couch
watching disney films.

and that little girl is still dreaming
but no one is aware.
i haven't let her go.
because i desperately want her dreams to come true.

i am a foolish adult.

yes,
i am a foolish adult
keeping a little girl locked up inside
hopelessly waiting for her prince charming.

it's my biggest fault.
expecting him to just
show up
and sweep me off my feet.

yes, it's my greatest fault.

Fear

i have this
fear
that i'm too
odd
for people.

even though
you're all
strange
as well

i become
scared
that i'm just too
different

and that i just might
not
ever
fit in

i mean,
i do have
great
friends

and they
accept me
for who i present
myself to be

but i still
hide
beneath my
skin

afraid.

i never
let them
close enough to
see underneath

fear is what
keeps people
from loving
me.

why do i
do this
to
myself?

i'll never know.
but
exposing my
heart

will take
much
much
practice. 

but i'm willing to learn.

i want to learn.
i want to learn.

& then my heart
whispers
just don't get
burned.

surfs up!

"you have got to be kidding me." my mouth dropped as we pulled up to the final destination of our date night. sunset beach.
i am in my converse & a light blue sundress & he expects me to get on a surf board with him?
aaron jumped out of his door and slammed it shut before i could refuse this last piece. whipping out his board from under the tarp in the trucks bed, he then walked to my side and began to tap lightly on the window of my door. i can't look at him. this is ridiculous.
i am the lead cellist in the university of hawaii's orchestra. i should be practicing. i should be writing. i should be composing. yet here i sit, in a light blue pick up with a gorgeous army rat tapping on my window to get on a surf board with him. i should have stayed home.
what am i doing.
he finally opens my door and outstretches is free arm toward me.
"please jane. from the moment i met you, this is the piece of hawaii i've wanted to give you. please." his big green eyes were filling with adventure and hope. there was no way i could steal that shade of joy from him.
i lean forward and begin to untie my sneakers. as i take off my shoes and put my socks in them, a smile so huge stretches across his face, i feel as though he may burst into wondrous laughter. i jump out, close the door behind me, and take his hand.

we walk a ways into the water and he lifts me up onto his bright yellow board. my dress floats on the surface of the water around me. thankfully i am self conscious enough that i would never wear anything like this without shorts and a cami underneath. without warning, aaron throws himself on the board, pulls me right up against him, and then begins maneuver us out to sea. 

the breeze is glorious. it is nothing compared to the thick lake air back home in minnesota. it's rich and with every breath i take, i feel more alive. the colors of the day ending dance across the horizon and beautiful melodies enter my mind. my hair is dancing in the breeze, and with every breath aaron takes, i can almost feel the bow of my instrument running across four carefully tuned strings to describe the millions of emotions running through my veins.
i have never done anything as adventurous as this.

he finally is content with how far away we are from the sand and he stops paddling. the salty waves surround us and overtake the horizon. i look around and we are not alone out here. surrounding us at a comfortable distance are other surfers, relaxing and taking in the sunset.
"this is beautiful." i whisper. the song pochahontas sings to john smith on their first encounter (the colors of the wind) is the only way i can describe this moment. but even that isn't enough. orange, blue, yellow, pink, and even a shade of purple fill the light clouds and the perfect sun. i can hear thousands of melodies pounding with my heart in my chest at the beauty surrounding me.

 "you are beautiful. and everything you are and can create is beautiful." he shakes his head and then stares back at me. "it's more than beautiful. gah jane, it's spectacular what beauty you can create with strings. but you're always stuck in that studio apartment and you never see what hawaii has waiting for you... deep within the people here and the colors in the waves... and the sweetness of the fruits..." he takes my fragile hand with his rough hand and with the other, points to the horizon.
"and if you don't take these moments to capture the music, they will fade. and we will never hear what you have to give." i turned around and a light shade of blue had replaced the phenomenon that just occured. all of that breathtaking beauty had faded.

he was right. and for once, i had no smart reply toward him. no witty comeback, no smart-ass remark. nothing. i just looked up at him, eyes welling with tears, and kissed his full lips.

"thank you." i breathed as i pulled away, gazing into his deep green eyes. 
and with that, he gave me a smile that made me light headed & we started back to shore. this time, there was no way i was going to even try to predict what could be next. and that was becoming the best part about my stay here in the aloha state.

selfish

i'm the
selfish
one here.

afraid
to be
uncomfortable

so what
if i can't
participate?

i should
just
try

resolutions
for the new
year

are
very
lame.

but how about
a simple
goal.

to quit
secluding
myself

and
reach
out instead.

to quit being
afraid
of people

and embrace
the loneliness
we all carry

it's time to
share the
load

it's time to let go
of the
past

and embrace
the
future.