cards and coffee//pt. 2 of LA series

walking down the streets of LA, i am lost within the people and architecture of the city.
i can make it in this city.
we can make it in this city.

the first half of the day lacey and i spent wandering and applying for jobs in art studios, photography studios, and with design agencies too. lacey was interviewed on the spot at her first studio stop, but she decided that we should browse a little longer before she should settle. they said she had caught their eye with her purple hair and cat shirt.
those shirts are so ugly, they're magic.
i dropped off my business card along with a miniature piece of my work with each of the places we stopped. some looked very promising, which brought comfort to my soul.

on our way back from our job hunt, we decided that we needed a break from walking and stopped by a small coffee shop. as we walked inside, the sweet aroma of coffee beans filled the air. it was a wonderful break from the dirty city air outside. as the two of us waited in line, lacey asked how many business cards and miniature pieces of my work i had left. but as i pulled them out of my bag to count them, one of the coffee house workers slammed into lacey who then slammed into me.

coffee and cards flew into the air as she and i were thrown into the ground. a roar of laughter came from our lungs.

but the coffee house worker did not think we were very funny. the muscular bearded man grabbed each of our arms and heaved us up off of the floor, mumbling some rude slander about tourists.
"sorry man." lacey laughed as she began to pat down her now dusty black jeans.
"whatever, crayon." he sighed and stormed off.

trying to hold our laughter in as best we could, we quickly spun around and burst out of the store, leaving my cards and work stuck to the wet, coffee stained floor.

Don't wake me up// my remix

so much has changed for me in this past year.
for the best.
& one of the best ways to describe what has happened to me is through song.
so i took a secular song and revamped it to truth.

don't wake me up by chris brown is now
please wake me up--->lyrics by me.

enjoy.
xo

_____________

i see light in my window,
come wake me up.
i've been stuck for so long now,
i can't get up.
but then i hear you whisper,
sayin my name.
you put your hand on my heart,
i'm lifted up.

come wake me up.
come wake me up.
you woke me up.
i'm alive.

you can mold me and make me,
i am your clay.
& you'll keep me forever,
your love won't fade.
but when i fall away from
your perfect grace,
you never hold it to me,
my sins erased.

you woke me up.
you woke me up.
you woke me up.

i don't want to fall back asleep,
i just want to dance at your feet.

come wake me up,
you've woke me up.
_____________

persevere

my alarm has been blasting for about a half hour now. i've been in California for about two weeks and none of the 12 places i've applied to have responded. knotting my hair and staring at the ceiling, my best friend barges through my door.
"you need to get up."
why is what i mouth, but nothing falls out.
"because you can't give up. this is your dream."

i roll out onto the hardwood floors. they're warm, unlike the ones in minnesota. Coming here to escape the below zero days and below average test scores would have been a wonderful idea, if i could stay inspired.

"did we make a mistake?"
"of course not!" my purple-headed cheer leader screams. "you're going to find someone to design for & i'll find a studio to work in. get yourself together and let's get going." she walks over to my unpacked suitcase and rummages through. i know what she's looking for. i should have burned those saturday shirts a long time ago. she finds the beauty and throws it at me.
great.
i'm totally going to get a job in this walmart keepsake.

I throw my hair into a braid and put on my wonderful catshirt, which matches Lacey. hers is a green tie-dye, with a cat head the size of the whole fricken shirt. While mine on the other hand is a purple tie-dye, with a cat digging in a fishbowl. we'll definitely turn heads.

walking out of the apartment, i remember why i came here. the sight of buildings touching the sky creates a smile that spreads across my face. i can do this. we can do this. we can make it in LA.




stay tuned. xo

stuck

i am
stuck
on these little
things that have never gotten in my way
until now.
i've just been
pushing them
to the side.

telling myself that it's
no big deal
to get over it
and to just
keep going.

well, now everything has caught up on me.

i'm sad. and sadness is something that has always been temporary for me. 10 minutes at a time, and then i'm okay again.

but lately i've been waking up sad.
this is very hard for me.
i am the queen of happiness. you give me a situation, and i'll make it scream unicorns by the time i'm through with it.
so why is a girl like
me
waking up
sad?

why am i breaking down so easily?

everything makes me cry. think i'm joking? the katy perry documentary struck me down. an older customer with a life story brought me to tears. random acts of kindness have made me cry. i cried after my first photoshoot, upset that my pictures might be garbage.

what is wrong with me?

me. that's what's wrong with me.
i am the problem.

i am being too hard on myself. i am a good photographer and a great designer! but the weight of becoming who i am meant to be is frightening. i have to grow up when this year is over. i have to get a job and take on life, and i'm scared.
people are asking me to take their picture, and i'm terrified! what if i'm not good enough? what if they don't like my stuff?
but i need to let that go. i am who i am. not everyone is going to like my designs or pictures, and that's okay! it's life. i am still a great person and a great artist.


i have also been stuck on people. i am really hurt over things that people have done or how have people have treated me, lately, and in my past. 'friends',xboyfriend, family, people that have burned me.
i've stopped hanging out with my friends out of fear that they might hurt me. or i might hurt them.
but that is going to happen all my life. people are going to stomp on you, lie to you, and hurt you. should that stop me from moving forward?
no.
i need to learn to love again. let go of all the hurt and pain my past has given to me and look to the love that is in my future. i have a great group of friends and family, and i need to start acknowledging them more.

i can't do this alone.
it's going to take some serious prayer and comfort from all the kitty cats that have stuck around through all the hard times.

that's you, reading this right now.
thank you for everything you've done for me. even if was just something simple, like making me laugh. or if you've pulled a lacey and have bought me cute little trinkets or cards, thank you! you keep me going, keep me motivated, and keep me inspired.

thank you/thank you.


i am who i am today because of you.
xo

not just girls, boys too.

"girls we do whatever it will take
cause girls don't want,
we don't want our hearts to break in two.
so its better to be fake.
cant risk loosing in love again, babe."

-Marina and the Diamonds

different

you sit there
high and mighty
judging everyone who

looks
a little different than
you
acts
a little different than
you
believes things
a little different than
you

is
different
from
you.

get over yourself.

i don't agree with most,
but i embrace who they are.

& people may look different on the outside than you,
but they wouldn't if they didn't have a soul to claim as their own on the inside.

embrace what makes you uncomfortable.

life is too short to live with your nose up in the air.