i'm repeating my same mistakes

it's hard dealing with death
and the acceptance of it

so i choose not to deal with it
and not to accept it

it's crazy, i know
but i lie to myself.

no one understands what i'm going through
yeah, i understand you lost your grandma too

i know that all grandparents die
and that they're just old and it's going to happen

but i didn't just loose my grandma
i lost one of my greatest friends

i told her so much
we shared so many great memories

she made me happy
& happiness is sometimes very hard for me to find

but it came naturally with her
i couldn't help but to smile when i was with her

but i regret so much.

i regret not visiting more
not being there when she fell
not being there when she was in the hospital
not visiting her everyday in the nursing home
not accepting that she was dying
not going to be with her while she passed
ignoring everything while it was happening

i regret it so much.
i regret not accepting that i was never going to see her again

so i bury it

deep within my soul

& i don't accept that she's gone
because i just can't

i'm repeating my same mistakes

& it's nights like these
when i lie awake, staring at my ceiling
hating myself

I'm pathetic.

Simple Words

'I want you to know that no matter what you do I will never be disappointed in you."

././././.

Before you began to judge me,
Did you wonder
Why?

What drove me to the point
Of doing the things I did?

No.
You didn't.

You just thought about
You.

& How right you were about me
How I am stupid or pathetic for making the decisions that I did.

Now here I sit
Regretting all that I did

Hating myself
Wanting to find something to quiet the noise of my past.

But that doesn't matter to you
Because I'm pathetic for experimenting.

For wanting things to fill my hollow self
To find a way to let go.

You don't care
You just assume I'm like everyone else.

But if that's true,
Then the whole population is empty

& begging God for answers.