Fellow Followers

I'm trying something new.

Go here:

http://sydneythinksyourerad.tumblr.com/

(:

Kiss it better

I'm working on a story that this song inspired.
Stay tuned.

leave me alone

You asked for my opinion,
So I gave it to you.

But of course
You don't believe me.

So,
Why'd you ask?

I get it,
You want to believe what she's said.

That's fine.
Just leave me out of it.

Seriously,
I've been through this numerous times.

Just leave me alone.

Stop sucking up to me.
Stop randomly acting like you care.

Seriously.
Nothing annoys me more than this mask you've adapted.

I don't wanna be apart of this
So stop asking.

Just have fun with what you believe now
& don't come to me when you find truth for yourself.

Winter

My skin hides under 5 layers of pants
And three pairs of mittens
But nothing could ever protect my face
From the frost biting wind

Instead of hiding from the cold,
We embrace it.
We decide to have an amazing time
Loving life, we play in the snow

Sliding down hills
With silly garbage cans over our heads
And flying off of hay bails
Is an easy way to live

Purple cheeks
Numb toes
Hat hair
We decide that Denny's is a must

Hot chocolate
Whip cream
One, two, three
Refills please!

Rushing back to our cars
To escape the angry cold
Random acts of pushing
Causes laughter and joy

A squished ride back to our cars,
Because car pooling is a must,
We bond.
We make memories.

Almost calling it a night
But deciding a movie would be lovely
It's okay to hide tonight
From the wind that takes our breath away

Because I'm with the people I love the most.

Even though I hate the cold
And the coast still whispers my name
I would never trade a winter with my best friends
For anything in the world.

Get over yourself

Seriously,
You're out of control

Boy to boy
Drama to drama

How can you live your life this way?
It's disgusting.

I don't care if you love your Jesus
Start showing it so I believe it

I love you,
I really do.

But when you bring it up again,
You're going to listen to what I have to say

I'm preparing my words
But I already know you'll deny it.

Ugh, forget it.
You're just another stupid girl

Playing these sick little games
Get over yourself.

Start living up to the lifestyle you're shoving down everyones throat
& maybe I'll respect you a little more.

This is exciting!

mmmm, I love Lacey Tweten.
She's gorgeous
She's lovely
She's hilarious
She's my best friend.

Love you,

February

Close your eyes

Finally, we were alone.
Everyone had left the party, and after cleaning up a little, I decided to feel my way to the couch and sit in my favorite corner spot. From there, I could map out the entire apartment in my head. I heard each step his bare feet took on the hardwood floor and each step made me nervous. He was coming closer, and soon he would be next to me. He was already intoxicating me with his scent and I was anxious for what the night would bring. When he finally reached the couch, he sat down next to me, taking my hand in his.
His hands were so rough. As he moved his hand from my hand to around my waste, I wondered what he actually looked like. I often imagined him to look like the last man I saw, which was my older brothers best friend, Mike. Broad shoulders, big eyes, crooked smile. But, I knew that Gabe couldn't possibly look just like him. My curiosity was driving me mad, so I finally just asked him the question I had been dying to ask the moment he first spoke to me with his rich, deep voice.
"Gabe, may I discover what you look like?" I was shaking, fearing his answer. Would he make fun of me? Or would he understand that living in a world of darkness is a lot more difficult than everyone assumes?
"I was wondering how long it would take you to ask me." I could tell he was smiling, but I could also sense question in his voice. Was he afraid of me finding something?
He let go of me and we positioned ourselves cross-legged straight across from each other. I was so nervous I could hardly breathe. I listened to him slowly remove his thick framed glasses and fold them into a perfect triangle and set them on the coffee table. He then took my hands in his to let me know he was ready because he just couldn't find the words.
I moved my hands slowly up his arms, feeling his skin bulge out from his muscles and then up to his shoulders. They were broad. I then moved my fingers along his collar bone and up his neck. All of a sudden, my left hand felt his skin change from something soft to an interesting texture. The damaged skin ran from right from the middle of his neck all the way up his head. A lot of the right side of his face felt flawed, but so lovely. It brought comfort to my soul knowing that we could both share the agony that the outside world gave to us. From the damaged skin, I made my way back down his forehead to his eyes. They were very big and his eyelashes were wonderful. His nose was very strong but not over baring. Then came his lips. They were so soft and full, but not girly. I could feel his breath upon my fingers and I decided that I had done enough.
As I pulled away, he let out a heavy sigh.
"Are you disappointed?"
"No."
"You don't have to lie to me. I'm sorry I never told you about my scar, I just thought you might turn me away or feel sorry for me."
"Gabe, I'm not angry with you and I'm not lying. I know how it feels to have people treat you differently because of the way you look or because you're flawed. You finally were able to hide it from someone and actually receive attention that you deserve. & I'm not lying. You're breath taking."
I imagined his perfect lips giving me a crooked smile.
"You're not flawed. You're beautiful the way you are."
"As are you." I couldn't help the enormous smile that was taking over my face.
"Alright then love, it's your turn." His voice was full of curiosity.
"What do you mean?" I laughed. "You can already see me."
"Well, I would like to have a taste of how you see things. May I?" He asked as he took my hands.
"Alright," I gave in "but close your eyes." I couldn't help but smile.
He slowly ran his hands up my arms and then to my neck. He ran his fingers over my jaw line and behind my ears. His fingers went through my hair and then over my forehead and eyebrows and then found their way to my eyes and cheeks. He pinched them and then ran his finger down from the top of my nose to my lips. His rough right hand held my face while his left fingers ran along my lips. I then felt him shift his body and all of a sudden his soft lips were to my ear.
My head was spinning,
"May I kiss you, beautiful?"
"Yes, you may."

Artwork

Headphones
My song
Volume to the max
Watercolors
Orange
Yellow
Water
Anger
Hurt
Sadness.

I see this when I look down




When I look up, I see this




I have discovered how to let go
& you have no idea
How beautiful it feels.

See the piece of glitter on my cheek?
It screams hope
& when I see it

I can't help but smile

"You gotta keep your chin up! Sunny days wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for rain.."

Music

You have no idea how many times I've come here to post something
& then I just can't.

I can't figure out how to express to you what I'm going through
Because I feel like you would never understand.

When I feel like this,
I turn to music.

Often music helps me say the words I can't
& I think that's what I love so much about it

Today, I downloaded the Rocket Summer's new album
It's amazing.

When this song came on, I couldn't believe what I was hearing,
A lot of it is exactly how I feel.

Especially these words:

"And you got nowhere else to go
And you're lost within your own home,

And you're trying so hard to win,
You keep trying, it's embarrassing.

And how you don't even know,
But you know you're off the tracks...

And how did you get in here?
Thinking how did I get in here?"

Check out the rest of the song,
It's amazing.

Is anybody out there?

Because I'm beginning to hear an echo.
When I shout out something,
it comes right back.

I do the same thing,
day after day.
I see the same people,
day after day.

I can't take it anymore
I want to rip out all my hair
I want to scream
I want to cry.

I just don't know what to do anymore.
Happiness isn't coming from within.
I am lost.

Save me.

Another Dream

I open my eyes.
I awake in a large bed with no one around. The sheets on the other side from me have been slid off of and who ever was there is now in the kitchen. I know I am dreaming, I can feel it. I decide to look around.
As I begin to look at pictures on the dressers, I take in that I am a professional photographer & I am engaged to a gorgeous boy.
When I look down at my ring, I begin to feel everything around me shift. I forget that I am dreaming and this place becomes my home. These possessions and walls are mine and this is my life.
I am happy to be here. I am remembering that my fiance has just gotten back from a long weekend at his cousins and it's amazing to have him back. Smelling breakfast, I decide that I should see what he's making for me. He'll probably be mad that I woke up before he could bring it to me, but I love his face when he sees me come around the corner and he usually freaks out and tackles me and forces me to go back to bed so he can bring me the breakfast he worked so hard on.
As I creep through the hallway, I can hear that he's on the phone. I peek around the corner and he's wearing a crooked smile, one that he usually only gives me. He is running his fingers through his hair and laughing a nervous laugh.
"I had an amazing time with you, I really did. But I don't think we should do it again. I am getting married in the fall..."
I can't breathe.
"Maybe if I come out there another weekend before the wedding to get away, I'll call you up for another good time."
Holding my head, the walls begin to shake. I can't take to hear anymore. I've got to leave.
I grab a bag from under the bed and I begin to throw everything inside that is mine. Tears are building up so much that I can barely see anything, but I just let them stay like that. I squint, but only to see our pictures whisper lies in my ear.
I begin to think of us. I think about being with him last night. His deceiving finger running along my cheek bone and his mouth just kissing another girls mouth. I am disgusted. His hands, those eyes, that smile were no longer mine. They were used by someone else and I just received her sloppy seconds.
I throw the bag over my shoulder, finally clear my eyes, and begin to wedge off the ring.
As I'm going out the door way, he's turning the corner with breakfast.
"Where are you going, lady?" I walk right past him, making sure I don't touch him. I hear him quickly stride after me, putting down the breakfast on the counter.
"Sydney, wait. Please." He grabs my arm and whips me around.
"Don't touch me!" I scream. I feel an infected burn where he had laid his fingers upon me.
"Syd, please..." I put on my shoes and remember that I'm still wearing that ring. I walk past him again and set the ring on the table. It now means nothing to me.
"You heard that phone call?! Sydney, please wait! Can we talk about this, please!" His voice is filled with desperation. I don't know why, but I decide to sit down at the table. He sits down across from me, setting his elbows on the table and holding his hair out of his face, he begins to cry.
"I'm so sorry. I love you, I don't want you to leave." Is all he chokes out.
"I thought we were talking? But really, what is there to talk about? Are you wanting me to drive you to her house for your next good time?! Is that all that I was to you as well? A good time? Well, clearly you became bored with me..."
He interups, "You were not just another good time. I'm in love with you. I was just confused this weekend. I was drinking all weekend and I wasn't thinking straight. Sydney, you're my babe. I only want you."
"Really? Are you drunk right now? Because you were just on the phone with her saying you were totally ready to do it all again! You don't love me." I begin to choke back tears watching his fall down like rain.
"I'll never talk to her again Syd. Please. I'll delete her number, I'll never go to Jake's again, I'll stay with you forever. This will never happen again. I love you so much, everything we've been through is so wonderful. I'm not throwing that away because of one weekend." He is panicking.
"You can't delete a weekend. You cheated on me. You should have thought of everything we've been through when you were kissing her mouth. You threw it all away Jay. You threw me away."
"No! Please Syd, I'll go to therapy, I'll do anything to keep you here with me!"
"How can I trust you? Looking at you now even hurts. All I can see is her running her fingers through your hair and you giving her the nervous laugh that I thought was just mine. But here you've been sharing it. I feel so used."
"It was just her! This was just one time!" He is beginning to yell at me. I decide to yell back.
"Why the fuck should I believe you?! You lied to me last night! You were touching me after you had touched her all weekend! Put yourself in my shoes, Jay. Imagine me with someone else. Would you forgive me? Would you be able to erase those images out of your head? Could you let go?" I feel like my fingers are going to break because my fists are clenched so tightly.
"I would because I love you. I love you, I love you." He is sobbing.
"I love you. I love you so much. But I just can't stand to look at you any longer." I push the ring away from me and toward him. I slide out of the chair and out the door, never looking back.

You know?

We know.
You don't know that we know, but we do.

& I know that he knows what you think you know.
But you don't know. You're making it up.

But they all think they know, but since you don't know, they don't know.
I may think I know, but I probably don't know that they believe that what you know is false.

Maybe they know that what they know they actually don't know.
Or maybe they just believe that what they know is true.

I don't know,
But I sure wish I knew.

100

100 posts
Posts of love
Posts of anger
Posts of happiness
Posts of depression
Posts of laughs
Posts of joy
Posts of friends
Posts of freedom

Posts about me.

About two years ago, my life slowly began to crumble. Instead of dealing with what I was going through, I closed myself in and began to self destruct. I held everything I needed to say inside and stopped talking about things that mattered because I was afraid of what people would think. I hated myself and hated what I was becoming.
Thankfully, I met my greatest friends during this time and the ones that mattered stuck around. They always encouraged me to write, but I was just too afraid to put that pen to paper because I knew what would come out.
Myself.
I finally caved and started this blog. & I can honestly say that this blog has saved me from myself. I would not be the person that I am today without it. I have discovered so much about myself just by having my fingertips slowly tap the keys and have wonderful words flow onto the screen.
This blog is my security blanket, my vent, my counselor.
This blog is me.

2,025 people have read what I have to say.
Thank you for searching and trying to learn a little bit more about me.
It means more than you can ever know.
Keep creeping, some great stories are yet to come(:

With love,
-sydd

mmmm

Can't wait ♥

Friends

Hello,
You're wonderful
I love spending time with you
You make me laugh
You make me smile
& best of all
You make me forget.


Even though I'm still getting to know most of you
I want you to know that
I love you.

Baha, Eclipse

When I was in 8th grade, I stumbled upon a book called Twilight.
It was fascinating. It was something I had never really read before. It was a glorious romance novel.

But then there was a second book. And then a third book. And then a fourth book.

& then movies and clothes.

Pencils and earrings.

I began to hate the whole story.
But I still keep up with the movies since I did indeed end up reading all the books out of curiosity. If you haven't read the books, you won't understand this clip I'm going to post. Alice and Jasper have really always been my favorite characters in the story because they just flow so much easier than stupid whore-faced Bella and idiot Eddie do. They really are the definition of a cute couple and I would love for Jasper to smile at me the way he smiles at Alice(;

Anyway, this is the best 24 seconds of the movie. Other than that, it was a hilarious movie, which I don't think were the intentions of it.

I am not that girl.

This is the mindset I have developed in the past few weeks:
I need someone
My best friends have someone
So, I need someone too. Right?

Wrong.

Why did I develop that mind set?
I am disgusted with myself.
I do not need a boy to make me feel good.

I am independent
I am free
I am lovely

& No one can take that away from me.

Lovely Lyrics

Been through a lot in the last year
It's like everything I love is slipping away
And every time I come home
Some more of me isn't there
I gotta get it together
I need to do things for myself
I've given everything
But still you take more from me
I need some room to breathe

Come on, come on
You know this isn't what we planned on

Come on, come on
Tell me we'll be okay

Lets go back, lets go back
To a time where I still felt I had a family

This isn't what I remember
Everyone's looking out for just themselves
If need be I'll be happy to leave
Just be warned, I'll be taking most of you with me
I see straight through
That smile straight through
That painted face
Don't think that I can't tell
Which one of you is against me

Come on, come on
You know this isn't what we planned on

Come on, come on
Tell me we'll be okay

Lets go back, lets go back
To a time where I still felt I had a family

I had the greatest faith in fools,
I turned my back and out came the wolves

Come on, come on
You know this isn't what we planned on

Come on, come on
Tell me we'll be okay

Lets go back, lets go back
To a time where I still felt I had a family

Been through a lot in the last year
It's like everything I love is slipping away



- ADTR

On my mind

1. I really wish I would have gotten tickets to the 30H!3 concert. I was trying to memorize their latest cd before the show, not even considering the fact that it was going to sell out. Oh well, guess it was not meant to be.

2. My inspirational story ending really sucked.
It's kinda hard to understand, but in the end, the boyfriend comes back as a super human zombie and takes her away, as in out of the miserable hospital. It needs more work. A lot more work.

3. I want to throw a fist full of glitter in the air.

4. I really should go to class tomorrow. I knew that once I skipped my first class, the rest would come easy.

5. I was totally serious about hanging out and watching movies this weekend. Were you? Fingers crossed. I really want to become tight with you guys and I think that this would be a fun way to start.

6. I miss my hoop. Maybe since I'm not going to 30H!3 I can afford to buy one this weekend..!

7. I really would enjoy watching Fight Club. Should I read the book first? Nahhh.

8. I gave you my number. Will you text me?

9. I miss Bonita and Ryan.

10. I want to dream I am on the coast again, feeling the salty waves hit my skin and hear them roar upon the shore. I want to taste the salt around my lips and feel the sunshine on my skin.

I want to escape.

11. I want to be a model. But, maybe I would enjoy taking the pictures more than being in them. We'll just have to see, eh?

Inspirational Piece (Expressive Writing)

For expressive writing, we were supposed to write a horror story, a kids story, and a inspirational story, but with the same exact story line. I have put up the horror and children's poem, but not the inspirational story.
Until now.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my inspirational story which is based on my Zombie nightmare from before.
Enjoy.


I find little joy in my days. I’ve always been a girl who needs someone there for me to point out the happiness in my life because of my past. I’d die without my boyfriend, Jake. He is the most gorgeous kid I know and the happiest. He always knows exactly what to say to put a smile on my face & I love him for that. I’d never tell him this, but he’s my everything.
We haven’t seen each other in weeks because of our busy work schedule, but we finally are meeting after work to go to our favorite coffee shop on Broadway to discuss plans we have been making about moving to California. We both have a very different style than people here in Minnesota, so we’ve been talking about just getting out of this place. But, finally tonight, we’re going to discuss our lovely plans to leave.
We meet and I’m in love all over again. He smiles at me and gives me a sweet kiss on the cheek and holds my hand, but he never goes over the top with PDA because we both think it’s annoying. We order and sit in our usual spot. We hold hands across the table and listen to each other about our days, laugh at our jokes, and bitch about our stupid jobs and people that just do not understand us. We are together, and it’s a glorious feeling to catch the rays of sunshine that beam off of his amazing personality.
Then the nightmare begins.
It all happened so fast. A woman collapsed at the counter and then in seconds, she was leaping around like a frog out of water, ripping people apart like rag dolls. I remember not being able to move, but then being dragged out by Jake and thrown into our car. I locked my door right before a man eater decided that I looked tasty. I was crying so much that I was shaking from the commotion. Coincidently, Jake’s door would not open, and the zombie started tearing into his neck. He finally threw the beast off of him and jumped into the car. I couldn’t believe what I had seen, and before I knew it, I was out cold.
Waking up in his arms was the greatest feeling. I felt secure and loved like I had before the breakout. I began to sob into him and he held me close. He then pulled me away from him and lifted my chin to look him in the eyes. His eyes had changed so much, from a light brown to a dark red and greenish color. I began to sob, knowing that the words falling out of his mouth about a cure was nonsense. He said they injected a fluid into is veins to try and stop it, but clearly they were not showing any results.
Time is a funny thing. It comes and goes, and you can never get it back. I’d do anything to be with jake just a few more hours, or even minutes, but the doctors returned with their very own exterminator and they decided that it was time for me to go, but not where Jake was about to.
I screamed and cried as the doctors began to pull me away from him. He held on to me with all his strength and he was able to give me one last kiss, & then he was gone.
Being dragged down that long hallway was more than miserable. I watched through swinging doors as they blew a giant hole into my boyfriend’s head. I watched him fall lifelessly to the floor, wishing I had been there to catch him.
I was suddenly in another room. The doctors threw me upon a long white and cold table and strapped me to its unwelcome body. I began to scream, but it’s like no one could hear me. They began to touch me in places that I didn’t know were supposed to be touched. They told me that they were doing a final examination to make sure I was clean of the virus, but I knew that they were doing a lot more than that. I began to cry. I had never felt more violated and hopeless in my life.
I cried for Jake.
I cried for upcoming loneliness.
I cried for myself.
I tried breaking free, but I was so weak from the previous happenings that moving was useless. As I was about to wish I were dead, I heard a massive scream through my tears. It was a bone-chilling scream, one that I had never heard anything like before in my life. Everyone stopped touching and poking me and angled themselves toward the door. Whatever was out there, was coming this way.
I began to panic, I could not move and all of them were the type to bail and leave me stranded. But maybe this was needed. I had no desire to go on. My only reason to live was now taken from me and I wanted to join him. So, I tried to settle into my cold tight coffin and waited for whatever was on it’s way.
It got so quiet I could hear blood oozing out of the cut by my eye that some asshole made while doing his tests. Then, a creature bursts through the door and begins tearing everyone apart. He ripped one of the mans arms off that had given my this lovely cut and tore into another mans neck, removing his throat and major veins from his body.
I closed my eyes and listened to their screams. I decided that this would be my fate, so I tried accepting that as much as possible and enjoy listening to the doctors screams before mine, which would come next. It seemed like the creature was getting revenge on what they had done to me.
I happened to be right.
I opened my eyes to him going after his last guy, the one who was clearly the leader of this operation. He ran out the door and the monster followed. All I could hear were the mans screams, and suddenly, I was afraid. I did not want to suffer as much as these people did.
When the zombie returned to me, I cried out to him. I told him to make whatever he was going to do to me as painless as possible and that I just wanted to die so I could join my other half somewhere in the heavens. He then placed his hand on mine and with the other, started loosening the belt that held me close. I didn’t understand, I couldn’t understand. I then looked up into familiar eyes, ones that used to smile and glow for me.
The monster was Jake.
“I’m not going to hurt you. It's all over, we're going home.” His voice echoed through my head and once the belts were loose, I took all the strength left inside my soul and threw myself into his arms. He was so much more dense than what he was before and he lifted me off the table and carried me like a child out of the hospital.

We were finally through with this place and it's sorrow.




I still like the horror story better(:

Hanging upside down, tears fall up

You guys are fun to watch
Living on your phones
Smiling at their words
I'm more than happy to watch and listen

But now I'm
Left out.

Envy fills
You have someone to lean on
Someone to listen and understand
Someone new

It's not like I want a relationship
I don't know if I'm ready yet
But, I would really enjoy
Someone new

I had an amazing friend
But we began to grow apart
He likes living the same life
I like living in the adventure and taking chances

So, now I do not really have my solid ground
I don't have someone who can listen
& give me feedback
From a boys perspective

I have very many amazing guy friends
But no longer really have a best friend
I still love the other,
I just feel like we no longer mesh

I think I may have found someone
He is a lot like me
But I'm afraid to ask if we could talk
He'll probably take my motives wrong

So for now, I'll hang upside down on my bed
While you both get ready for the boys
I'll shoot peanut m&ms into the trash & blast 3OH!3
While my tears fall up