Loved and Lost (Expressive Writing)

My mother tells me the news as if I didn’t even know this boy.
“Your aunt called. Ryan was killed by a drunk driver last night.” My mother’s words were careless. She had no idea that I was still really close with Ryan, even though we didn’t work out as more than friends. I can’t even react. My hands try to cover up my cry, but it seems to slip through my fingers. I fall to the ground, destroyed.

I met Ryan when I was 16. I had never had a boyfriend, let alone meet a boy that even came close to admiring me. But one weekend, I spent the night at my cousin’s house and happened to meet a beautiful boy named Ryan. This boy was flawless. He had a small build and almost looked delicate. His pale skin meshed well with his dimples and flowed so well with his smile. When his eyes met mine, I felt as if I were glowing.

When I headed back home the next day, my phone rang a glorious text message song. It was Ryan asking if I remembered him from the night before. This song would bring me joy for the next few months. We talked about anything and everything, everyday. Our personalities seemed to mesh so well and he was the first and only boy to tell me I was beautiful, inside and out. I told him everything. I fell so hard for a boy that I had only met in the flesh once and I didn’t even care.

Of course, our teenage dream came to reality and we decided that the distance was too much and friendship was a better thing to strive for. Usually this is where the couple breaks off and moves on, but it didn’t work that way for us. We continued to text and call each other, but our talks just did not have the same motivation as before.

I called Ryan whenever I needed him. I called to tell him news of love, sorrow, or just to tell him the new Devil Wears Prada CD was totally kick-ass. I didn’t even realize that Ryan was someone who was always there for me, no matter what. When no one else cared or had time for me, Ryan did.

Some days, I stare at his phone number and just cry. I miss our conversations. I miss our laughs. I miss his encouraging talks to keep going in life because it’s worth the risk of heartache. Without him, I would not have ever learned that it’s okay to love others around you and allowing them to love you is dangerous, but worth the adventure.

The hardest part of Ryan’s death was that life just keeps going. I think about him everyday and I always wonder what he would be up too now. I hate that no one talks about him and I hate that everyone acts like he was never apart of my life just because we only met just one lovely time in person. What about the hundreds of meaning-full text messages, or the hour-long conversations about the little things that meant the world to me? Did those mean absolutely nothing?

I don’t care what they say. I loved Ryan and still do. Not one day will pass without him crossing my thoughts. Even though time continues to drag me forward, my feelings for him will never fade and my heart will always know he is missing.

Dandelion,

I wish I was beautiful
I wish I wasn't fat
I wish I was more coordinated
I wish I looked like her


I wish I was good enough for him.

Blargg

I've got to stop.
I can't believe I got my hopes up this much.
From now on, I'm leaving this alone.

Expressive Writing

As she prepares for her husband to come home, she wonders how long he will stay this time. She longs to hear his voice and feel his touch. Knowing that he might not come is painful, so she tries to distract herself by enjoying the flowers she bougt for him and the food she had prepared.
She suddenly felt cold hands wrap around her and a soft cheek rub against hers.
"Hello, lovely." Her husband whispers. He slowly wraps around her and she allows his cold body to almost be one with hers. She closes her eyes and thanks God for allowing him to come this evening.
"I didn't think you'd come." She whispered.
"He said I would be able to come, just one last time." His voice seemed to drift off on the edge of the sentence. He knew that he had made a mistake by taking his own life. He thought that heaven would be better than the brutality of the human race, but it actually rained in his heaven all day long. He should have trusted his wife to come home to him, but the darkness of his mind took over and destroyed the beauty of his life that he just could not see.
"Please, don't leave me. I am so alone." She held herself close and he tried to wrap himself more tightly around her, but he was loosing spirit and fast.
"Do you love me?" she cried, her tears were falling fast.
"I always have and always will."
He suddenly felt his father calling him back home. He began to slowly unwrap from her warm body and float away. He bent in un-humanly ways to try and stay longer, but he was not in control.
"Happy Birthday." He kissed her goodbye and began to soar back into the sky.
She moans and sobs at her husbands final goodbye and continues to hold her hand out in front of her, begging God to let him come back to her. But there's no such thing as second chances and he is gone away as fast as he had come.

Pardon me, Perfection

"Pardon me for my lack of excitement,
But I’m not entirely thrilled.
Stutter when I talk,
Flail around as I walk,
Yeah the moment’s been killed.

And I’m not good at this no, not all.
I’m not good at this.

I’m a wreck and I know it,
And I tend to show it every chance that I get.
Butterflies in the skies, they just fly on by.
Yeah they’re making me sick.
They don’t flutter about, I’d do without.
All they do is kick.

Mean it truly,
Sincere heart.
Why do you do this to me?
Tear me apart.

It’s my fault and I know it,
And I tend to blow it, no thanks to you.
Its like you sit and you watch me,
You poke and you taunt me, it’s all that you do.
And I’m not fighting that no, not at all.
Just want to be something, a name you call.
The lips you taste just to fall, madly in love.

Mean it truly,
Sincere heart.
Why do you do this to me?
Tear me apart.

I got my eyes set on you,
My heart is burning red.
All of my words come out wrong,
Run circles in my head.
You had me and I melted,
In the palm of your hand.
You know it yes I felt it,
You’ll never understand.

Mean it truly,
Sincere heart.
Why do you do this to me?
Tear me apart."

-he is we

Dear Perfection,

I shouldn't
It would be a mistake to
I think I'm starting to
I just can't control that I
It bothers me that I
I'm going to get hurt because I


Like you.

Depression

I don't know what I want out of my life.

College is not what I expected. I don't enjoy what I'm doing there and I feel like I'm wasting my time and money. Instead of enjoying myself and others around me, I find myself staring at the clock and begging time to make the weekend come faster. I'm trying to hold on and see if it gets better, but I don't know if it will.

I want to leave so bad, but only far enough for you to miss me.
Not that you'd admit it anyways.

No one prepared me for this. I'm so lost and no one cares.

I wish I could shout it out. I wish I could scream to the world that I hate the stereotypical lifestyle. Go to school, go to college, get a job, get married, have children, raise them, & then die.

I want to do something different. No, I do not want to be a pen pusher or teacher. I want to explore, I want to travel, I want to dream my life away. I wish that a space pirate would crash into my yard and send me on a huge adventure to treasure planet.

Maybe someday I'll be ready to fit the mold, but I don't feel like that's anytime soon.
For now, I'll drown in your need for me to be like everyone else and dream of breaking the surface.

Spoken:

I wonder if you're lonesome tonight
You know someone said that the world's a stage
And each must play a part
Fate had me playing in love you as my sweet heart
Act one was when we met, I loved you at first glance
You read your line so cleverly and never missed a cue
Then came act two, you seemed to change and you acted strange
And why I'll never know
Honey, you lied when you said you loved me
And I had no cause to doubt you
But I'd rather go on hearing your lies
Than go on living without you
Now the stage is bare and I'm standing there
With emptiness all around
And if you won't come back to me
Then they can bring the curtain down

-Elvis Presley

blahblahblah

Liking your best friend is not an easy task
Especially when you've done this for three years.
I've finally gotten over you
Only to start liking a new friend

When does this game end?
I'm tired of falling for people I can't have
It's annoying and exhausting.

Blahblahblahblahblah.

That's what people hear when I open my mouth(:

Lost

I try to take off my head sometimes,
because I can't escape the memories.

I haven't lost anything except my mind.

-The Used

Sparkle

The pretty sparkle in my eye,
You stole it.
It was not my decision
I tried to get it back
But you held it tight between your fingers
And carelessly put it in your back pocket

You're different that I expected
I've never had perfection like you in my life
Look at me the way you do
Last night, I decided that I would give you a chance
I told my heart that maybe someone like you
Could actually admire someone like me

& then I saw you early the next morning
You were in a character I did not expect
Careless and in my face
The sparkle in your pocket didn't matter to you anymore
In fact, I'm pretty sure you fell on it a few times
As I left the scene, the words you said were the ones ringing in my ears

I'm trying to let this go
It wasn't you talking to me
It was the drink of the night life
But I don't know if I'll ever look at you the same
I'll try to ignore my heart and pretend that nothing happened
But I can't forget.

I wish

I wish I could just let it go

But I can't.

I wish I wasn't disappointed

But I am.

Happy

I haven't been this happy for a long time
When I walk
When I talk
When I sing
When I dance
It's out of pure joy
It's coming from within
I can't figure it out
Maybe I should
Maybe I shouldn't

For now, I'll just smile up a storm underneath my rainbow umbrella(::

I'm in love with life.

New Post!

1.
I'm now in love with youtube.
2.
I'm pretty sure my crush on you is gone.
3.
I miss my sister.
4.
I should probably be doing homework.
5.
I love you five.

sometimes

I truly worry about myself.
I was supposed to start my homework @ seven.
Instead, I decided to clean and re-arrange my room.
I just finished.
I'm supposed to read 5 chapters of a book for tomorrow.
I have a paper due tomorrow.
I have @least four hours of homework due for wednesday.
Siiiiiiiiigh.

Rain. rain.
Stay the day.
And make me a thunderstorm big enough to cancel classes.

Photographs

It's midnight
I begin to wander
& I stumble across your photographs
You're happy
Carefree and so gorgeous
You were almost mine once
The thoughts of us make me smile
You were thee very first boy to call me beautiful
Even though we didn't work out,
We became great friends
Best person to play 20 questions with?
Ryan DeZurik(:

Then I start to read the comments:
"I miss you! R.I.P."
"Ryan, I hope you're loving heaven!"
"Dude, I miss you."
"Love you bro, see you soon!!"

Sadness fills.
I had forgotten.

I hate seeing those comments.
I can't just write 'I miss you' because it's not enough.
Missing someone shouldn't hurt like this.
I hate how I feel.
I can't let go.
I think of that drunk driver often.

Forgive and forget?

Never.

I hate

I hate that you always have to be right.
I hate that you're good at everything.
I hate that you're so competitive.
I hate how you have to prove me wrong.
I hate how you pick on me.
I hate how you call me out on my stupidity.
I hate your style.
I hate your stupid hats.
I hate how cute your right front tooth is.
I hate how you fit in with my friends.
I hate how you're nice to everyone, even if you don't like them.
I hate the way you talk to me.
I hate how I catch you staring.
I hate how you're probably acting.
But worst of all,
I hate how I can't hate you.
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Friday

Tomorrow is friday.
Which means Grendel is leaving.

It sucks because we didn't really hang out a whole lot this summer
But every time we did, it was something new, fun, and carefree
No matter what, we can always start right where we left off
Even if we don't see each other for weeks
It doesn't matter
We mesh like blue and yellow
B.e.a.utiful.

Pretty girl, you're going to have so much fun in the cities!
You're going to fit right in
You belong in a city
Don't be afraid, just breathe
Inspire others and let others inspire you
Let go and be free
But don't forget where your home is

We'll always be here for you(:

Don't rip too many arms off without me!